Year's gone...

I cant believe it run so fast... So many has changed, from little wee snoodle in love became depressed and broken hearted eejit. She left me, again and again, and even though we havent seen each other for more than a half a year now, I am still mad about her, feeling like it was yesterday when she last hugged me and kissed me.

I know ur not curious about my love life mumbo-jumbo.

Tomorrow Ill continue becoming a esteemed dentist. During holidays Ive been practising in an ordination, taking off dental calculus (do you really use this term? Should start learning some terms, as I dream of going to erasmus), examinating patiens... After two days "at work" i completely lost my ideals and said I dont want to do that.

So I decided to dive into surgery and implantology. Havent decided yet what is gonna be my final goal, but defos I dont want to stuck just drilling carieses...

Situation with my mother has been getting better till last week, when we had fight and i havent spoken to her yet till now.
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Nightmare before... christmas?

No... I am not talking about the fabulous Burton's animated story. Just talking about my life as usual lol.

Have new roommates. Very nice people. Hope they will like their new home, really hope.

Was visiting my mother... Not very nice. Her new apartment is absolutely awesome. Mindblowing. Took my breath away, really. First couple of hours we were just chatting, even laughing, admiring new stuff, talking about my school, ... I was really happy to see her. But still it felt... cold, really wanted to hug her. But then her antidepressives stopped working or I dontk now what happened, but she got very angry with me. She started to blaim me for everything what happened... That my girlfriend is bitch, that she is abusing me and other bullshit. She doesnt know anything, anything about my girlfriend. She didnt even give any effort to get to know her! "too lazy to learn new language" she said the other time. "I am taking your heart-shaped glasses off! I want you to think about your relationship!!!" ........... I am thinking!!! And I am happy. For the first time in my life I am happy. Not always - as she is far away now... But in general, I feel happy love.

Not like my mum... I dont want to be like her. But she does want me to be like her... She has a new boyfriend. They are together for 4 months. I really want her to be satisfied, she deserves to have someone who loves her. But I think she doesnt cherish the other person's love. She doesnt cherish the other person at all. Or at least it feels to me like that. I was soooo glad to hear she has somebody... When I told her "thats great! How did you met, how long are you together?", she said "4 months... but I dont know I am not happy... there are things which I really dont like. Eg. he is a chef and works in some luxury restaurant, and his shifts are really rough - he doesnt know when he will have to support or swap his shifts for his collegues etc., then I think he has problems with alcohol... and then once he was 3 hours late and made so impossible excuse, like that he had to pick his friend ----- etc etc" - i really didnt understand the issue.

But to get to the point - where is some trust? She doesnt trust him. What is the relationship about then? As I remember, she didnt trust any of her partners. Not even one. According to her, every of them wanted just to abuse her and cheat on her.

She was happy when she was with them - Ive seen that, she felt it, but she always made some reasons why she cant be with them...

I think that the relationship is about trust, about compromise, about support, love. Of course you have to think about it. But not too much. You would go absolutely crazy, paranoid... Thinking up incredible stories what could happen instead of the excuse which was said to you. I know that, I was like this too. But it was driving me mad. It was destroying me... Maybe I created some defensive mechanism.

I think about it... But not too much. Whenever I have crazy thoughts... I ask my friend to kick my ass to wake up. Or I manage it myself - stop thinking about it. There is nothing I can do anyway - so why to suffer?

I miss my mum like crazy :(

When I was leaving - after her monologue "how could you burn 20 years of your life?!" - she said really ugly good bye and pushed me out of the house and almost slapped the door in front of my nose... I didnt get that... We had so nice time! Or at least I felt it to be nice... I asked her if I can come again, and she said "Thats the thing you should think about" - its not how it sounds in english, in czech it was little different but there is no way i can translate it. It was practicly "depends on my mood". And slapped the door.

When I told her I am gonna spend Christmas in Ireland, she said "you must be kidding me!! Do you have your family there?! If you do this you completely cut off every possibility how to have relationship with me. Ask your dad how will he feel about it!!!" ... and she went completely crazy.

Situation is like this... My dad has new family. Girlfriend and little daughter. I have never spent Christmas with him. Never, only went for a visit couple of days before or after... Always with my mum. I dont even feel at home in his house... Its not my home. I dont feel it, and I would feel like a foreigner there.
My relationship with my mum is - like this. Cant imagine that we will sit happily to the dinning table on Holy night to the classical carp and salad and pretend that we are all happy...
What does she expect? That I will sit alone at home?

And yes, I have family in Ireland. I have home in Ireland. I feel at home in Ireland.

Home is not where are you living, but where they understand you. And love you.

I feel so weak... :(

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Temptation to write....

Just anything, as usual. To let my thoughts go away from me...

Living in the "new" flat for one month already. Waiting for my lover (comes next week), who feels that I am suffocating her... I dont know what I am doing wrong in our relationship. What should I do? I dont want to suffocate her. Stopped texting her, stopped calling her. Now will leave it up to her. When she wants to contact me, I will be happy...

I am so scared and worried. Need to get a subletter here because the rent is too high for us. Really many people were interested and mailed me. But really to have a look came only half of them and the rest didnt bother to tell that they are not coming. Quarter of people who came texted me that they are sorry but found another place - closer to work, flat with more people in, ... And another quarter didnt bother to contact me at all.

Really nervous about that... Need someone in two days - mission impossible...

I miss my girl like crazy. But afraid to tell her... Hope everything is gonna be just fine by time.

School is hard (who would expect that). Cant wait to finnish the first year. Will have to lie in the books whole weekend and study cranium, then latin and histology.

Disgusted with my country... With people. Feeling lonely and alone here. On the other hand, I am refusing people and socializing in last few weeks. Its like a magic circle... I want to see people, go out, have fun... But on the other side - I want them to leave me alone. I actually dont know what I want. Thats even worse.
I am going out, getting drunk... Was in bar this week, last week... And what. It just gave me hangover... Was fun, "good craic"...

Another useless post which will stay unread but will help me to sort my thoughts out and kill some of time which I dont have anyway....

Feel like I want to go to bed and sleep for 5 years, then wake up and see where I am. Or just stay dreaming. I am dreaming all the time anyway, even when I am awake. Strange, that I need a coffee when going to study. It kicks my ass and then I can learn a lot in short time. Will wake up early tomorrow and stay - why am I writing stay? Wanted to write start. Mr. Freud would be laughing at the moment :) Start studying.

Listening to Muse, and having flutterbys in my tummy, because I have really strong memories for this music, especially for the Sing for absolution.


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"Youre not on high school, youre in hell, and it will get worse!"

Words of my anathomy teacher sound in my ears last week every single second.

I am really in hell. And imagination that it will get worse doesnt help me lol.

I am tired, still living on the floor and boxes, as the flat we are supposed to move in is still not finnished. Fucking bastards i really need some peace to study. Its hard even to find some clean panties in the fucking mess i am living now.


Our first test passed one person from 22. Really funny. I am curious how I am gonna make it.

"Its impossible to make it, but you must" say our older schoolmates. Theyre right... Its impossible, but we just must, otherwise we quit.

Drinking my first coffee and will study whole night I guess. Dont have enough time and dont have enough energy.

I have to get another subletter to the other room, so every day someone is coming to see the flat, which looks really ugly at the moment.

Made a list what I will have to buy. Out of a bargain... at least i have some cuttlery. I wont even have a fucking fridge... Hope the landlady will put there some. She is pissing me off anyway, she promised "fully equipped kitchen" and only things which are there is a sink, two drawes, two shelves and oven. No splashboard, no fridge, no freezer, nothing. Working desk is also not included. What the fuck is she thinking. I cant afford to pay for all of it and the rent is really high so I am sure she has money to put there something more!

If I didnt come and ask her if she is gonna put there some lights, she went to buy them the same day. I am wondering, if she would put it in there without my request, or just let us live in the dark and without electricity.

I wish it all was over really and I was sitting in my new chair and warm and studying in quiet and tidyness.

I want to have my clothes in wardrobe finally!!!

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This is the way how I imagine "hard-core beginning of the school year"

Omg. Three letters explaining practicly everything lol.

School started. On tuesday we write first anathomy test. I am scared like shit... Studying every day but I have no idea how I am gonna make it. About 200 new latin words, most of them sound very similar to each other.

Then about the flat thing. We were supposed to move out till 1st of october. Its 3rd and we are living still in the same flat but now with another subletters, who will have this flat after us. So, 4 girls and practicly 5 people living here. Its quite big apartment but really not so big so we can all fit. "Our" flat was under reconstruction and is still not finnished. On 30th I got through a mild nervous break down when I figured out that in the flat there is no toilet, no shower, no floors, no lights, no electricity... Simply nothing.

The new flat mates - neighbours soon - are two slovenian girls. They are really very nice so far. I have really good luck with friends :)

And we were supposed to move in next day. Asked the workmen and they said "Oh dont think youll move in soon... Its gonna be in 2 weeks!"

I thought I will die at that moment.

Then they said it will be ready on Monday but really, I cant see it.... Floor in the kitchen is not there at all and you are not allowed to walk on it at least for 24 hours when its done.....

I wish all this is over.

I just must pass the test!! Or i quit :(

And to make this post a wee bit more possitive. Bought two absolutely great IKEA writing tables for 800 (about 30€), got 2 chairs for free, cuttlery, cups, curtains, shelves, kettles, pots.
Everything for free from my best friends. Thank you all! X
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Tomorrow. Its really tomorrow!

Am leaving on a jet plane and as soon as I will arrive, I will be held like she never lets me go ;)

Packing my stuff and have really big problem with really small bag. You are allowed only one baggage on board, and I cant afford to check-in normal bag, so I am reducing and reducing and I guess I will have to wash my panties every three days cause I am not taking more than 3 of them lol

Pissed off because Ive lost my cam's lense protector and now I am worried to take my cam with, I would be very unhappy if I scratched it by the mistake. Will ask my flat mate to lend me hers, but she would miss her lovely camera too much lol.

Will have 4 hours stop in Liverpool. Am looking forward to have a wee touristy thing, taking pictures etc. I am weirdo, I love taking pictures even when I am in my home city.

Hopefully I will be able to buy a new camera, I have an itch for lumix FZ-18 or FZ-28. My friend works in Panasonic and if she wanted to buy it, she has some sales, so I could abuse her a little ;)

Bye and have a nice time while I am away :)
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Everybody deserves to be mad. Pure egoism.

I am stuffed with the "normality" all around. I can hear everywhere "you are NOT NORMAL!!!", this is not normal, that is not normal, what is normal then?

I am lesbian. And I think it is normal as far as I am happy and do not hurt anyone. I still cant walk on the street holding my girls hand, because she doesnt want to be in the centre of attention and entertainment for others. And its true. But really, who doesnt see us? Even when we are not holding hands. The way how we look at each other... Only dumbass cant see.


Why is green and blue combination of clothes so out? Once I had green trousers and blue vest top. And some old guy noted "green and blue good for mad heads!". But honestly, you can see the combination of green and blue everywhere. Trees are green and the sky is blue and when the sun is shining its soo beautiful!

I love new things. I love new crayons, new papers, sharpened pencils, i love to pronounce "r" and "sh". I love licking ice cubes. I love hot bath (but that is normal, right?). I love to sing loudly how the song goes. Some people say I should rather shut up cause my singing is terrible. But i doubt they ever tried it. Good singing is imho not about good voice, but good heart and emotions.

I love cleaning. Hate tidying, but love cleaning. I love when white things are white without any trace of dirt. I love ironing. Love how all the wrinkles disappear. I love when my legs are perfectly shaved. I love play with my hair. I love to say FUCK! I love to say I love you. And I love to hear it as well.

I love order in my computer folders. I love to watch sunset and dream. I love being tickled on my back. I love receiving post, the real, hand-written post. Also I love to write it :)

I love my ballpoints. I love fixing things. And not just things. I love fixing everything. Broken hearts and broken legs.... Broken people. And I am good at it :)

Enough of love.

I hate addictive things. I am addicted to communication with people and I know it. But its hardly treatable. I hate drugs, hate beer and hate hangovers. I hate being lost and bitten by mosquitos.

I hate overcrowded buses and trams and every public transport stuff. I hate migrenes!!! I hate boking and insecurity, suspense. I hate dirty keyboard.

I hate long nails.
Hate lies.
Hate flies.
Hate public toilets.
Hate when dont know where my documents are.
Hate when I am afraid.
Hate being lonely but not alone. Unfortunately those two things are usually coming together...
Hate when I am jealous. And I am. A lot. And I know it and try to fight against it.
Hate being naive. And I am. A lot. But dont try to beat it cause being naive is soo much easier...

And finally, I love writing pure egoistic posts which noone reads. But it helps :)

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Why i have decided to be a dentist

Lots of people are really scared of dentists.

People are already scared of me, so it made my decision easy, one half of business is in my pocket!

Now seriously. I hear questions like "why dentistry my god?!" all the time. Its quite a long story. When i was small kid and went at school upstairs, somebody pushed me and i fell. The result was that my hard palate was in two pieces (dont worry, dont have any scarfs visible, because i am also known as this: , but that is another story) :)

Anyway i went to hospital, everything fixed, and there my teeth problems have started. My fuck*ing denist, some lady nearby my home, decided to pull my canine teeth. She gave me anaesthetic, but started pulling right after she put the injection away though, so you can imagine how painful that was. When i look back i dont see any reason why she had to do that, because my "adult teeth", concretely the canine ones, havent grown till 5 years after this accident.

Meanwhile the 5 years I went to Italy with my parents and had another accident - at night i have fallen from the bed and broke my incisor tooth. At home we went to x ray and the motto "better safe than sorry" worked well, they found out that in my gum there was a cyst. So i had to go to surgery and spent one week in hospital. To be honest, it was great week and i will never forget it :)) you know, children's department, so we had computer to play (only if there was nobody at operating theatre), and each other to bother. Also, compulsory ice-cream! It was great time really i enjoyed. My broken tooth had to be fixed many times, because they didnt want to pull it - so i have artificial extension till now :)

That is not all. You must know how does it work when you have space in your mouth (according to the canine teeth issue). Your teeth just start to be bored and want to travel, and so they do. My teeth werent any departure from the rule and soon i had teeth miles away from each other. That wasnt so bad if my adult teeth didnt want to be neglected anymore and wanted to grow up.

Unfortunately because of young teeth's travels, they didnt have any space so there was dangerous they will grow up straight into my cheek. So the other nice dentist (this time she was really nice) pulled off 5 my teeth. Two of them were adult and three young ones. Then i was given... how do you called the stuff... the metal things to keep your teeth straight? I havent found any translation.. but i am sure you know what i am talking about :)

After another few years they took it away and my teeth are well. I have never had tooth decay, thats a wee irony isnt it? Never was drilled. Just was sharpened so the artificial tooth could be built (nothing nice...).

So do you know now, why do i want to be a dentist? Yeah? V for Vendetta, revenge is mine you creepy dentists!

Just kidding. Only dont want anybody to walk through anything i walked through. I want to help people, i am manually skilful and human body always interested me... :)
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The keys

Because i still cant decide in which language shall i write… Will keep to writing in English until im bored :) i know my grammar isnt great and my vocabulary either… but nobody smart fell from the sky ;)

Everybody lost keys in life sometimes. My first time was today. Went to buy my dad present. Some nice Irish whiskey and maybe cigars. The whole journey takes 20 minutes (visiting ATM included).

Regardless of remembering having the keys when going 20m to the tobacco shop, my memories don’t reach further than to shopping in supermarket 10 minutes after.

Waiting in the queue for 15 minutes because they had some problems on the cash machine didnt cheer me up at all. On the way home i wanted to prepare my keys and – keys were nowhere. Nothing in my pockets, nothing in my bags.

So i rushed to the tobacco – i just MUST have left it there. When i came to the shop i thought ill die. The gate was closed and nobody was inside. On the door there was written “during holidays we are closing at 18:30”. Looked on the watch and it was exactly 18:34. Tried to phone the number advertised, no answer.

Coke, Jameson and two melting pizzas in paper-bag, stuck. Called landlord, of course she had no back up keys. Called my girl for support… Tried to unlock the door – no chance, broke my card and almost destroyed the lock by picking it by pin :/

Now my wallet got rid of 900 and i hope i will never loose keys again. From 10minutes shopping became 2 hours waiting for the key service, which opened door in 1 second.

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How my greatest holidays have started

let's start...

I had blog and I loved it, it still exist but I didnt figure out how to block people read it. Why? My mother started to read it.

You know, its really uncomfortable to post something when you know that your parent can sneak and read your thoughts. So, I set this blog and started write in English, because my mother cant understand a word and also I doubt she could find this.

Anyway, Im keeping lots of thoughts inside me for a long time.

This year i finnished high school and the longest and best holidays were supposed to begin in June. Four months of great fun, trips, doing nothing, earning some money.

Idylistic, isnt it. I got to university, Im starting dentistry in Prague. Exciting but according to circumstances its more stressful and scary.
Which circumstances am I talking about?

Dont know where to start really. Ive got a girlfriend. And yes, Im a girl (unfortunately you cant know in English unless I say so... this is what I dont like about this language). She is Irish, we met 7 months ago (but this is another story).
She moved in my mothers and mine flat about month before my final exam. I thought everythings fine, despite we had really small flat 1+1.. I think we were going well. Until my mother started to have lots of problems with my gf. She started to talk to me about her in worst ways... That she is a liar, thief, parasite and what ever. It made me so upset, I didnt know what to do. She was paying rent (not very cheap) and lived on two square meters like some maggot.

My mum was moving to another flat, which was under reconstruction. The script was just perfect. We will survive the co-habiting for two months till the flat is finnished and then my mum is gone, we have the flat and my mum is happy and excited about new place too.

One day we have had terrible fight with my mum. My gf was at work. We were screaming and yelling on each other so badly, I had to listen all that shit she was saying about my love... That Im loosing myself, that SHE is piece of shit, worse than shit, she is looser and everything. I left the house and went to meet my lover and told her everything what was going on in last few weeks.

We decided to suggest that we would move out. And, that was it. My mum was so angry she threw us on the street in the middle of the night.

Isnt that ironic. She left me the car so I could go everywhere in the world. But I couldnt go anywhere. We went to my dads place and asked him if we can stay for couple of days.

In one day we found great flat in the same area where my old one is. I havent talked to my mother for weeks. My grand mother is bombarding me with telephonates that I must humble, I must fix it with my mother. But I dont know what have I done wrong. Where did I make mistake? Where my girl did mistake? Have I had choice?

Sometimes Im thinking I've had a choice... Leave my girlfriend and stay "home", be submissive and listen to my mother. Or, I havent had a choice and I had to leave and there was no other choice.

One week later I spoke to my dad. He said there could be a problem with me getting my stuff, that my mother doesnt want me to have it. The same day I phoned her... I could get my stuff, but "leave the whore at home".
I got the keys, my pet... And had to listen that I betrayed her, that Im not her daughter anymore and that she doesnt want to see me anymore. That Im a thief, and that i should think about that nothing there is really mine. I wanted to pack my stuff... But really couldnt do that. Broken down, i spent almost 20 years in that flat. Had completely new bed 175x200 square cm.
So my girl told me to call my mum and ask her to stay there.

Its too late she said. No way back. Bye... So I went.
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