... and you put things in.
Sometimes just one song can exactly express your feelings when you dont know how to.
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Thursday 26 November 2009
Sunday 15 November 2009
Nightmare before... christmas?
No... I am not talking about the fabulous Burton's animated story. Just talking about my life as usual lol.
Have new roommates. Very nice people. Hope they will like their new home, really hope.
Was visiting my mother... Not very nice. Her new apartment is absolutely awesome. Mindblowing. Took my breath away, really. First couple of hours we were just chatting, even laughing, admiring new stuff, talking about my school, ... I was really happy to see her. But still it felt... cold, really wanted to hug her. But then her antidepressives stopped working or I dontk now what happened, but she got very angry with me. She started to blaim me for everything what happened... That my girlfriend is bitch, that she is abusing me and other bullshit. She doesnt know anything, anything about my girlfriend. She didnt even give any effort to get to know her! "too lazy to learn new language" she said the other time. "I am taking your heart-shaped glasses off! I want you to think about your relationship!!!" ........... I am thinking!!! And I am happy. For the first time in my life I am happy. Not always - as she is far away now... But in general, I feel happy love.
Not like my mum... I dont want to be like her. But she does want me to be like her... She has a new boyfriend. They are together for 4 months. I really want her to be satisfied, she deserves to have someone who loves her. But I think she doesnt cherish the other person's love. She doesnt cherish the other person at all. Or at least it feels to me like that. I was soooo glad to hear she has somebody... When I told her "thats great! How did you met, how long are you together?", she said "4 months... but I dont know I am not happy... there are things which I really dont like. Eg. he is a chef and works in some luxury restaurant, and his shifts are really rough - he doesnt know when he will have to support or swap his shifts for his collegues etc., then I think he has problems with alcohol... and then once he was 3 hours late and made so impossible excuse, like that he had to pick his friend ----- etc etc" - i really didnt understand the issue.
But to get to the point - where is some trust? She doesnt trust him. What is the relationship about then? As I remember, she didnt trust any of her partners. Not even one. According to her, every of them wanted just to abuse her and cheat on her.
She was happy when she was with them - Ive seen that, she felt it, but she always made some reasons why she cant be with them...
I think that the relationship is about trust, about compromise, about support, love. Of course you have to think about it. But not too much. You would go absolutely crazy, paranoid... Thinking up incredible stories what could happen instead of the excuse which was said to you. I know that, I was like this too. But it was driving me mad. It was destroying me... Maybe I created some defensive mechanism.
I think about it... But not too much. Whenever I have crazy thoughts... I ask my friend to kick my ass to wake up. Or I manage it myself - stop thinking about it. There is nothing I can do anyway - so why to suffer?
I miss my mum like crazy :(
When I was leaving - after her monologue "how could you burn 20 years of your life?!" - she said really ugly good bye and pushed me out of the house and almost slapped the door in front of my nose... I didnt get that... We had so nice time! Or at least I felt it to be nice... I asked her if I can come again, and she said "Thats the thing you should think about" - its not how it sounds in english, in czech it was little different but there is no way i can translate it. It was practicly "depends on my mood". And slapped the door.
When I told her I am gonna spend Christmas in Ireland, she said "you must be kidding me!! Do you have your family there?! If you do this you completely cut off every possibility how to have relationship with me. Ask your dad how will he feel about it!!!" ... and she went completely crazy.
Situation is like this... My dad has new family. Girlfriend and little daughter. I have never spent Christmas with him. Never, only went for a visit couple of days before or after... Always with my mum. I dont even feel at home in his house... Its not my home. I dont feel it, and I would feel like a foreigner there.
My relationship with my mum is - like this. Cant imagine that we will sit happily to the dinning table on Holy night to the classical carp and salad and pretend that we are all happy...
What does she expect? That I will sit alone at home?
And yes, I have family in Ireland. I have home in Ireland. I feel at home in Ireland.
Home is not where are you living, but where they understand you. And love you.
I feel so weak... :(
Read more!
Have new roommates. Very nice people. Hope they will like their new home, really hope.
Was visiting my mother... Not very nice. Her new apartment is absolutely awesome. Mindblowing. Took my breath away, really. First couple of hours we were just chatting, even laughing, admiring new stuff, talking about my school, ... I was really happy to see her. But still it felt... cold, really wanted to hug her. But then her antidepressives stopped working or I dontk now what happened, but she got very angry with me. She started to blaim me for everything what happened... That my girlfriend is bitch, that she is abusing me and other bullshit. She doesnt know anything, anything about my girlfriend. She didnt even give any effort to get to know her! "too lazy to learn new language" she said the other time. "I am taking your heart-shaped glasses off! I want you to think about your relationship!!!" ........... I am thinking!!! And I am happy. For the first time in my life I am happy. Not always - as she is far away now... But in general, I feel happy love.
Not like my mum... I dont want to be like her. But she does want me to be like her... She has a new boyfriend. They are together for 4 months. I really want her to be satisfied, she deserves to have someone who loves her. But I think she doesnt cherish the other person's love. She doesnt cherish the other person at all. Or at least it feels to me like that. I was soooo glad to hear she has somebody... When I told her "thats great! How did you met, how long are you together?", she said "4 months... but I dont know I am not happy... there are things which I really dont like. Eg. he is a chef and works in some luxury restaurant, and his shifts are really rough - he doesnt know when he will have to support or swap his shifts for his collegues etc., then I think he has problems with alcohol... and then once he was 3 hours late and made so impossible excuse, like that he had to pick his friend ----- etc etc" - i really didnt understand the issue.
But to get to the point - where is some trust? She doesnt trust him. What is the relationship about then? As I remember, she didnt trust any of her partners. Not even one. According to her, every of them wanted just to abuse her and cheat on her.
She was happy when she was with them - Ive seen that, she felt it, but she always made some reasons why she cant be with them...
I think that the relationship is about trust, about compromise, about support, love. Of course you have to think about it. But not too much. You would go absolutely crazy, paranoid... Thinking up incredible stories what could happen instead of the excuse which was said to you. I know that, I was like this too. But it was driving me mad. It was destroying me... Maybe I created some defensive mechanism.
I think about it... But not too much. Whenever I have crazy thoughts... I ask my friend to kick my ass to wake up. Or I manage it myself - stop thinking about it. There is nothing I can do anyway - so why to suffer?
I miss my mum like crazy :(
When I was leaving - after her monologue "how could you burn 20 years of your life?!" - she said really ugly good bye and pushed me out of the house and almost slapped the door in front of my nose... I didnt get that... We had so nice time! Or at least I felt it to be nice... I asked her if I can come again, and she said "Thats the thing you should think about" - its not how it sounds in english, in czech it was little different but there is no way i can translate it. It was practicly "depends on my mood". And slapped the door.
When I told her I am gonna spend Christmas in Ireland, she said "you must be kidding me!! Do you have your family there?! If you do this you completely cut off every possibility how to have relationship with me. Ask your dad how will he feel about it!!!" ... and she went completely crazy.
Situation is like this... My dad has new family. Girlfriend and little daughter. I have never spent Christmas with him. Never, only went for a visit couple of days before or after... Always with my mum. I dont even feel at home in his house... Its not my home. I dont feel it, and I would feel like a foreigner there.
My relationship with my mum is - like this. Cant imagine that we will sit happily to the dinning table on Holy night to the classical carp and salad and pretend that we are all happy...
What does she expect? That I will sit alone at home?
And yes, I have family in Ireland. I have home in Ireland. I feel at home in Ireland.
Home is not where are you living, but where they understand you. And love you.
I feel so weak... :(
Read more!
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