Temptation to write....

Just anything, as usual. To let my thoughts go away from me...

Living in the "new" flat for one month already. Waiting for my lover (comes next week), who feels that I am suffocating her... I dont know what I am doing wrong in our relationship. What should I do? I dont want to suffocate her. Stopped texting her, stopped calling her. Now will leave it up to her. When she wants to contact me, I will be happy...

I am so scared and worried. Need to get a subletter here because the rent is too high for us. Really many people were interested and mailed me. But really to have a look came only half of them and the rest didnt bother to tell that they are not coming. Quarter of people who came texted me that they are sorry but found another place - closer to work, flat with more people in, ... And another quarter didnt bother to contact me at all.

Really nervous about that... Need someone in two days - mission impossible...

I miss my girl like crazy. But afraid to tell her... Hope everything is gonna be just fine by time.

School is hard (who would expect that). Cant wait to finnish the first year. Will have to lie in the books whole weekend and study cranium, then latin and histology.

Disgusted with my country... With people. Feeling lonely and alone here. On the other hand, I am refusing people and socializing in last few weeks. Its like a magic circle... I want to see people, go out, have fun... But on the other side - I want them to leave me alone. I actually dont know what I want. Thats even worse.
I am going out, getting drunk... Was in bar this week, last week... And what. It just gave me hangover... Was fun, "good craic"...

Another useless post which will stay unread but will help me to sort my thoughts out and kill some of time which I dont have anyway....

Feel like I want to go to bed and sleep for 5 years, then wake up and see where I am. Or just stay dreaming. I am dreaming all the time anyway, even when I am awake. Strange, that I need a coffee when going to study. It kicks my ass and then I can learn a lot in short time. Will wake up early tomorrow and stay - why am I writing stay? Wanted to write start. Mr. Freud would be laughing at the moment :) Start studying.

Listening to Muse, and having flutterbys in my tummy, because I have really strong memories for this music, especially for the Sing for absolution.


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"Youre not on high school, youre in hell, and it will get worse!"

Words of my anathomy teacher sound in my ears last week every single second.

I am really in hell. And imagination that it will get worse doesnt help me lol.

I am tired, still living on the floor and boxes, as the flat we are supposed to move in is still not finnished. Fucking bastards i really need some peace to study. Its hard even to find some clean panties in the fucking mess i am living now.


Our first test passed one person from 22. Really funny. I am curious how I am gonna make it.

"Its impossible to make it, but you must" say our older schoolmates. Theyre right... Its impossible, but we just must, otherwise we quit.

Drinking my first coffee and will study whole night I guess. Dont have enough time and dont have enough energy.

I have to get another subletter to the other room, so every day someone is coming to see the flat, which looks really ugly at the moment.

Made a list what I will have to buy. Out of a bargain... at least i have some cuttlery. I wont even have a fucking fridge... Hope the landlady will put there some. She is pissing me off anyway, she promised "fully equipped kitchen" and only things which are there is a sink, two drawes, two shelves and oven. No splashboard, no fridge, no freezer, nothing. Working desk is also not included. What the fuck is she thinking. I cant afford to pay for all of it and the rent is really high so I am sure she has money to put there something more!

If I didnt come and ask her if she is gonna put there some lights, she went to buy them the same day. I am wondering, if she would put it in there without my request, or just let us live in the dark and without electricity.

I wish it all was over really and I was sitting in my new chair and warm and studying in quiet and tidyness.

I want to have my clothes in wardrobe finally!!!

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This is the way how I imagine "hard-core beginning of the school year"

Omg. Three letters explaining practicly everything lol.

School started. On tuesday we write first anathomy test. I am scared like shit... Studying every day but I have no idea how I am gonna make it. About 200 new latin words, most of them sound very similar to each other.

Then about the flat thing. We were supposed to move out till 1st of october. Its 3rd and we are living still in the same flat but now with another subletters, who will have this flat after us. So, 4 girls and practicly 5 people living here. Its quite big apartment but really not so big so we can all fit. "Our" flat was under reconstruction and is still not finnished. On 30th I got through a mild nervous break down when I figured out that in the flat there is no toilet, no shower, no floors, no lights, no electricity... Simply nothing.

The new flat mates - neighbours soon - are two slovenian girls. They are really very nice so far. I have really good luck with friends :)

And we were supposed to move in next day. Asked the workmen and they said "Oh dont think youll move in soon... Its gonna be in 2 weeks!"

I thought I will die at that moment.

Then they said it will be ready on Monday but really, I cant see it.... Floor in the kitchen is not there at all and you are not allowed to walk on it at least for 24 hours when its done.....

I wish all this is over.

I just must pass the test!! Or i quit :(

And to make this post a wee bit more possitive. Bought two absolutely great IKEA writing tables for 800 (about 30€), got 2 chairs for free, cuttlery, cups, curtains, shelves, kettles, pots.
Everything for free from my best friends. Thank you all! X
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Unsent letters

Am i weirdo or do u do it as well?

I write a letter... to anyone. But dont send it. I dont know why do i write it then? To sort out my thoughts? There are sooo many things I want to say and ask. I have just written one letter but as soon as I finnished it, I decided not to send it. Or give it, whatver...

Maybe I could post it here and who knows, maybe the person will come across my blog and read it. But maybe not.

I do it with blog posts too. I write a post and then dont post it. Considering not posting even this one.

Shall I or shall I not?
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Tomorrow. Its really tomorrow!

Am leaving on a jet plane and as soon as I will arrive, I will be held like she never lets me go ;)

Packing my stuff and have really big problem with really small bag. You are allowed only one baggage on board, and I cant afford to check-in normal bag, so I am reducing and reducing and I guess I will have to wash my panties every three days cause I am not taking more than 3 of them lol

Pissed off because Ive lost my cam's lense protector and now I am worried to take my cam with, I would be very unhappy if I scratched it by the mistake. Will ask my flat mate to lend me hers, but she would miss her lovely camera too much lol.

Will have 4 hours stop in Liverpool. Am looking forward to have a wee touristy thing, taking pictures etc. I am weirdo, I love taking pictures even when I am in my home city.

Hopefully I will be able to buy a new camera, I have an itch for lumix FZ-18 or FZ-28. My friend works in Panasonic and if she wanted to buy it, she has some sales, so I could abuse her a little ;)

Bye and have a nice time while I am away :)
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Samarabalouf

Was just listening some music on shuffle mode and suddenly something incredibly catchy, interesting, nice, cute, playful, happy, rhythmic and just GREAT started to play.

Didn't hear that before (i am wondering where I got it), opened player and there was Samarabalouf, with album Bababa, playing amazing acoustic guitar. Jazzy and swingy rhythm really got my hips going.

Its just absolutely super and I will share this bit of my today's joy :)

I am sorry for quality. Its crap. Havent found better. Enjoy, hope youll like it :)

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Everybody deserves to be mad. Pure egoism.

I am stuffed with the "normality" all around. I can hear everywhere "you are NOT NORMAL!!!", this is not normal, that is not normal, what is normal then?

I am lesbian. And I think it is normal as far as I am happy and do not hurt anyone. I still cant walk on the street holding my girls hand, because she doesnt want to be in the centre of attention and entertainment for others. And its true. But really, who doesnt see us? Even when we are not holding hands. The way how we look at each other... Only dumbass cant see.


Why is green and blue combination of clothes so out? Once I had green trousers and blue vest top. And some old guy noted "green and blue good for mad heads!". But honestly, you can see the combination of green and blue everywhere. Trees are green and the sky is blue and when the sun is shining its soo beautiful!

I love new things. I love new crayons, new papers, sharpened pencils, i love to pronounce "r" and "sh". I love licking ice cubes. I love hot bath (but that is normal, right?). I love to sing loudly how the song goes. Some people say I should rather shut up cause my singing is terrible. But i doubt they ever tried it. Good singing is imho not about good voice, but good heart and emotions.

I love cleaning. Hate tidying, but love cleaning. I love when white things are white without any trace of dirt. I love ironing. Love how all the wrinkles disappear. I love when my legs are perfectly shaved. I love play with my hair. I love to say FUCK! I love to say I love you. And I love to hear it as well.

I love order in my computer folders. I love to watch sunset and dream. I love being tickled on my back. I love receiving post, the real, hand-written post. Also I love to write it :)

I love my ballpoints. I love fixing things. And not just things. I love fixing everything. Broken hearts and broken legs.... Broken people. And I am good at it :)

Enough of love.

I hate addictive things. I am addicted to communication with people and I know it. But its hardly treatable. I hate drugs, hate beer and hate hangovers. I hate being lost and bitten by mosquitos.

I hate overcrowded buses and trams and every public transport stuff. I hate migrenes!!! I hate boking and insecurity, suspense. I hate dirty keyboard.

I hate long nails.
Hate lies.
Hate flies.
Hate public toilets.
Hate when dont know where my documents are.
Hate when I am afraid.
Hate being lonely but not alone. Unfortunately those two things are usually coming together...
Hate when I am jealous. And I am. A lot. And I know it and try to fight against it.
Hate being naive. And I am. A lot. But dont try to beat it cause being naive is soo much easier...

And finally, I love writing pure egoistic posts which noone reads. But it helps :)

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I'm dancing as fast as I can

Just finnished reading this great book written by Barbara Gordon. I managed to read it during 3 days - its really very readable and exciting story.

It made me really disheartened and nervous as well. I was devouring the story gulp after gulp and couldnt believe what is happening. As is the way when you read psycho story like this, you can feel it by yourself... Or is it just me who really goes through every situation, every sorrow and every joy with the main characters?

I highly recommend to read this shocking story. About people, who are not all right. About people, who love, who live and try to survive in this mad world. About people who lost and found themselves...

Zeptal jsem se ostatních,
žen i mužů,
co to dělají s takovou jistotou
a jak se tak naučili žít;

oni mi vlastně neodpověděli,
prostě dál tančili a žili dál...
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Distance relationships

Since when I am... like... "relational active", I havent had "normal" relationship. All my love affairs were distance... First it was Cyprus (well, that was far), then it was another city (from my country though), but about 2,5 hours by bus far away, and now it's Ireland.


After the Cyprus experience and going every friday by bus standing (because it was usually overcrowded), I decided not to have any distance relationship again ever. I want just go a couple of stations by subway or tram and done. But fate obviously does want me to travel a lot.

It has a few advantages, eg. you get to know soo many places and many new people, many new airports and cultures...

But on the other hand, its heart breaking to say goodbye, fall asleep alone after getting used to be cuddled every night. Be dependent on skype, MSN or other communication programs and utilities, excluded phone because that is soooo filthy expensive (my god I dont want to see my phone bill honestly...)

Anyway how we czechies say - "love even mountains carries over" (literally translated... am not sure what is the right english idiom). And believe me or not it worth for me to wait....
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Oh my god

I am so in love. And I want to shout it from the rooftops so everyone knows how much i love my girl. I dont care what anyone thinks...

We are together exactly 7 months and 6 days. And I am still sooooo cheesy its disgusting, but I love it :D and happily she loves it too.
We say each other every day at least once we love each other... We love to fall asleep so tight we can feel each others heart beat. I love to play with her hair. I love to rub her on her tummy. I love to nibble her nose. I love to give her thousands little kisses all over her.

I can really see us in our future, with nice house, dogs, children. I know, I am naive. Who knows how the future will be. But I really wish I will still fall asleep with her, looking forward to see her after work and wake up beside her.

And finally, I love to fuck her.
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