My mind is a box

... and you put things in.

Sometimes just one song can exactly express your feelings when you dont know how to.
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Nightmare before... christmas?

No... I am not talking about the fabulous Burton's animated story. Just talking about my life as usual lol.

Have new roommates. Very nice people. Hope they will like their new home, really hope.

Was visiting my mother... Not very nice. Her new apartment is absolutely awesome. Mindblowing. Took my breath away, really. First couple of hours we were just chatting, even laughing, admiring new stuff, talking about my school, ... I was really happy to see her. But still it felt... cold, really wanted to hug her. But then her antidepressives stopped working or I dontk now what happened, but she got very angry with me. She started to blaim me for everything what happened... That my girlfriend is bitch, that she is abusing me and other bullshit. She doesnt know anything, anything about my girlfriend. She didnt even give any effort to get to know her! "too lazy to learn new language" she said the other time. "I am taking your heart-shaped glasses off! I want you to think about your relationship!!!" ........... I am thinking!!! And I am happy. For the first time in my life I am happy. Not always - as she is far away now... But in general, I feel happy love.

Not like my mum... I dont want to be like her. But she does want me to be like her... She has a new boyfriend. They are together for 4 months. I really want her to be satisfied, she deserves to have someone who loves her. But I think she doesnt cherish the other person's love. She doesnt cherish the other person at all. Or at least it feels to me like that. I was soooo glad to hear she has somebody... When I told her "thats great! How did you met, how long are you together?", she said "4 months... but I dont know I am not happy... there are things which I really dont like. Eg. he is a chef and works in some luxury restaurant, and his shifts are really rough - he doesnt know when he will have to support or swap his shifts for his collegues etc., then I think he has problems with alcohol... and then once he was 3 hours late and made so impossible excuse, like that he had to pick his friend ----- etc etc" - i really didnt understand the issue.

But to get to the point - where is some trust? She doesnt trust him. What is the relationship about then? As I remember, she didnt trust any of her partners. Not even one. According to her, every of them wanted just to abuse her and cheat on her.

She was happy when she was with them - Ive seen that, she felt it, but she always made some reasons why she cant be with them...

I think that the relationship is about trust, about compromise, about support, love. Of course you have to think about it. But not too much. You would go absolutely crazy, paranoid... Thinking up incredible stories what could happen instead of the excuse which was said to you. I know that, I was like this too. But it was driving me mad. It was destroying me... Maybe I created some defensive mechanism.

I think about it... But not too much. Whenever I have crazy thoughts... I ask my friend to kick my ass to wake up. Or I manage it myself - stop thinking about it. There is nothing I can do anyway - so why to suffer?

I miss my mum like crazy :(

When I was leaving - after her monologue "how could you burn 20 years of your life?!" - she said really ugly good bye and pushed me out of the house and almost slapped the door in front of my nose... I didnt get that... We had so nice time! Or at least I felt it to be nice... I asked her if I can come again, and she said "Thats the thing you should think about" - its not how it sounds in english, in czech it was little different but there is no way i can translate it. It was practicly "depends on my mood". And slapped the door.

When I told her I am gonna spend Christmas in Ireland, she said "you must be kidding me!! Do you have your family there?! If you do this you completely cut off every possibility how to have relationship with me. Ask your dad how will he feel about it!!!" ... and she went completely crazy.

Situation is like this... My dad has new family. Girlfriend and little daughter. I have never spent Christmas with him. Never, only went for a visit couple of days before or after... Always with my mum. I dont even feel at home in his house... Its not my home. I dont feel it, and I would feel like a foreigner there.
My relationship with my mum is - like this. Cant imagine that we will sit happily to the dinning table on Holy night to the classical carp and salad and pretend that we are all happy...
What does she expect? That I will sit alone at home?

And yes, I have family in Ireland. I have home in Ireland. I feel at home in Ireland.

Home is not where are you living, but where they understand you. And love you.

I feel so weak... :(

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Temptation to write....

Just anything, as usual. To let my thoughts go away from me...

Living in the "new" flat for one month already. Waiting for my lover (comes next week), who feels that I am suffocating her... I dont know what I am doing wrong in our relationship. What should I do? I dont want to suffocate her. Stopped texting her, stopped calling her. Now will leave it up to her. When she wants to contact me, I will be happy...

I am so scared and worried. Need to get a subletter here because the rent is too high for us. Really many people were interested and mailed me. But really to have a look came only half of them and the rest didnt bother to tell that they are not coming. Quarter of people who came texted me that they are sorry but found another place - closer to work, flat with more people in, ... And another quarter didnt bother to contact me at all.

Really nervous about that... Need someone in two days - mission impossible...

I miss my girl like crazy. But afraid to tell her... Hope everything is gonna be just fine by time.

School is hard (who would expect that). Cant wait to finnish the first year. Will have to lie in the books whole weekend and study cranium, then latin and histology.

Disgusted with my country... With people. Feeling lonely and alone here. On the other hand, I am refusing people and socializing in last few weeks. Its like a magic circle... I want to see people, go out, have fun... But on the other side - I want them to leave me alone. I actually dont know what I want. Thats even worse.
I am going out, getting drunk... Was in bar this week, last week... And what. It just gave me hangover... Was fun, "good craic"...

Another useless post which will stay unread but will help me to sort my thoughts out and kill some of time which I dont have anyway....

Feel like I want to go to bed and sleep for 5 years, then wake up and see where I am. Or just stay dreaming. I am dreaming all the time anyway, even when I am awake. Strange, that I need a coffee when going to study. It kicks my ass and then I can learn a lot in short time. Will wake up early tomorrow and stay - why am I writing stay? Wanted to write start. Mr. Freud would be laughing at the moment :) Start studying.

Listening to Muse, and having flutterbys in my tummy, because I have really strong memories for this music, especially for the Sing for absolution.


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"Youre not on high school, youre in hell, and it will get worse!"

Words of my anathomy teacher sound in my ears last week every single second.

I am really in hell. And imagination that it will get worse doesnt help me lol.

I am tired, still living on the floor and boxes, as the flat we are supposed to move in is still not finnished. Fucking bastards i really need some peace to study. Its hard even to find some clean panties in the fucking mess i am living now.


Our first test passed one person from 22. Really funny. I am curious how I am gonna make it.

"Its impossible to make it, but you must" say our older schoolmates. Theyre right... Its impossible, but we just must, otherwise we quit.

Drinking my first coffee and will study whole night I guess. Dont have enough time and dont have enough energy.

I have to get another subletter to the other room, so every day someone is coming to see the flat, which looks really ugly at the moment.

Made a list what I will have to buy. Out of a bargain... at least i have some cuttlery. I wont even have a fucking fridge... Hope the landlady will put there some. She is pissing me off anyway, she promised "fully equipped kitchen" and only things which are there is a sink, two drawes, two shelves and oven. No splashboard, no fridge, no freezer, nothing. Working desk is also not included. What the fuck is she thinking. I cant afford to pay for all of it and the rent is really high so I am sure she has money to put there something more!

If I didnt come and ask her if she is gonna put there some lights, she went to buy them the same day. I am wondering, if she would put it in there without my request, or just let us live in the dark and without electricity.

I wish it all was over really and I was sitting in my new chair and warm and studying in quiet and tidyness.

I want to have my clothes in wardrobe finally!!!

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This is the way how I imagine "hard-core beginning of the school year"

Omg. Three letters explaining practicly everything lol.

School started. On tuesday we write first anathomy test. I am scared like shit... Studying every day but I have no idea how I am gonna make it. About 200 new latin words, most of them sound very similar to each other.

Then about the flat thing. We were supposed to move out till 1st of october. Its 3rd and we are living still in the same flat but now with another subletters, who will have this flat after us. So, 4 girls and practicly 5 people living here. Its quite big apartment but really not so big so we can all fit. "Our" flat was under reconstruction and is still not finnished. On 30th I got through a mild nervous break down when I figured out that in the flat there is no toilet, no shower, no floors, no lights, no electricity... Simply nothing.

The new flat mates - neighbours soon - are two slovenian girls. They are really very nice so far. I have really good luck with friends :)

And we were supposed to move in next day. Asked the workmen and they said "Oh dont think youll move in soon... Its gonna be in 2 weeks!"

I thought I will die at that moment.

Then they said it will be ready on Monday but really, I cant see it.... Floor in the kitchen is not there at all and you are not allowed to walk on it at least for 24 hours when its done.....

I wish all this is over.

I just must pass the test!! Or i quit :(

And to make this post a wee bit more possitive. Bought two absolutely great IKEA writing tables for 800 (about 30€), got 2 chairs for free, cuttlery, cups, curtains, shelves, kettles, pots.
Everything for free from my best friends. Thank you all! X
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Unsent letters

Am i weirdo or do u do it as well?

I write a letter... to anyone. But dont send it. I dont know why do i write it then? To sort out my thoughts? There are sooo many things I want to say and ask. I have just written one letter but as soon as I finnished it, I decided not to send it. Or give it, whatver...

Maybe I could post it here and who knows, maybe the person will come across my blog and read it. But maybe not.

I do it with blog posts too. I write a post and then dont post it. Considering not posting even this one.

Shall I or shall I not?
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Tomorrow. Its really tomorrow!

Am leaving on a jet plane and as soon as I will arrive, I will be held like she never lets me go ;)

Packing my stuff and have really big problem with really small bag. You are allowed only one baggage on board, and I cant afford to check-in normal bag, so I am reducing and reducing and I guess I will have to wash my panties every three days cause I am not taking more than 3 of them lol

Pissed off because Ive lost my cam's lense protector and now I am worried to take my cam with, I would be very unhappy if I scratched it by the mistake. Will ask my flat mate to lend me hers, but she would miss her lovely camera too much lol.

Will have 4 hours stop in Liverpool. Am looking forward to have a wee touristy thing, taking pictures etc. I am weirdo, I love taking pictures even when I am in my home city.

Hopefully I will be able to buy a new camera, I have an itch for lumix FZ-18 or FZ-28. My friend works in Panasonic and if she wanted to buy it, she has some sales, so I could abuse her a little ;)

Bye and have a nice time while I am away :)
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Samarabalouf

Was just listening some music on shuffle mode and suddenly something incredibly catchy, interesting, nice, cute, playful, happy, rhythmic and just GREAT started to play.

Didn't hear that before (i am wondering where I got it), opened player and there was Samarabalouf, with album Bababa, playing amazing acoustic guitar. Jazzy and swingy rhythm really got my hips going.

Its just absolutely super and I will share this bit of my today's joy :)

I am sorry for quality. Its crap. Havent found better. Enjoy, hope youll like it :)

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Everybody deserves to be mad. Pure egoism.

I am stuffed with the "normality" all around. I can hear everywhere "you are NOT NORMAL!!!", this is not normal, that is not normal, what is normal then?

I am lesbian. And I think it is normal as far as I am happy and do not hurt anyone. I still cant walk on the street holding my girls hand, because she doesnt want to be in the centre of attention and entertainment for others. And its true. But really, who doesnt see us? Even when we are not holding hands. The way how we look at each other... Only dumbass cant see.


Why is green and blue combination of clothes so out? Once I had green trousers and blue vest top. And some old guy noted "green and blue good for mad heads!". But honestly, you can see the combination of green and blue everywhere. Trees are green and the sky is blue and when the sun is shining its soo beautiful!

I love new things. I love new crayons, new papers, sharpened pencils, i love to pronounce "r" and "sh". I love licking ice cubes. I love hot bath (but that is normal, right?). I love to sing loudly how the song goes. Some people say I should rather shut up cause my singing is terrible. But i doubt they ever tried it. Good singing is imho not about good voice, but good heart and emotions.

I love cleaning. Hate tidying, but love cleaning. I love when white things are white without any trace of dirt. I love ironing. Love how all the wrinkles disappear. I love when my legs are perfectly shaved. I love play with my hair. I love to say FUCK! I love to say I love you. And I love to hear it as well.

I love order in my computer folders. I love to watch sunset and dream. I love being tickled on my back. I love receiving post, the real, hand-written post. Also I love to write it :)

I love my ballpoints. I love fixing things. And not just things. I love fixing everything. Broken hearts and broken legs.... Broken people. And I am good at it :)

Enough of love.

I hate addictive things. I am addicted to communication with people and I know it. But its hardly treatable. I hate drugs, hate beer and hate hangovers. I hate being lost and bitten by mosquitos.

I hate overcrowded buses and trams and every public transport stuff. I hate migrenes!!! I hate boking and insecurity, suspense. I hate dirty keyboard.

I hate long nails.
Hate lies.
Hate flies.
Hate public toilets.
Hate when dont know where my documents are.
Hate when I am afraid.
Hate being lonely but not alone. Unfortunately those two things are usually coming together...
Hate when I am jealous. And I am. A lot. And I know it and try to fight against it.
Hate being naive. And I am. A lot. But dont try to beat it cause being naive is soo much easier...

And finally, I love writing pure egoistic posts which noone reads. But it helps :)

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I'm dancing as fast as I can

Just finnished reading this great book written by Barbara Gordon. I managed to read it during 3 days - its really very readable and exciting story.

It made me really disheartened and nervous as well. I was devouring the story gulp after gulp and couldnt believe what is happening. As is the way when you read psycho story like this, you can feel it by yourself... Or is it just me who really goes through every situation, every sorrow and every joy with the main characters?

I highly recommend to read this shocking story. About people, who are not all right. About people, who love, who live and try to survive in this mad world. About people who lost and found themselves...

Zeptal jsem se ostatních,
žen i mužů,
co to dělají s takovou jistotou
a jak se tak naučili žít;

oni mi vlastně neodpověděli,
prostě dál tančili a žili dál...
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Distance relationships

Since when I am... like... "relational active", I havent had "normal" relationship. All my love affairs were distance... First it was Cyprus (well, that was far), then it was another city (from my country though), but about 2,5 hours by bus far away, and now it's Ireland.


After the Cyprus experience and going every friday by bus standing (because it was usually overcrowded), I decided not to have any distance relationship again ever. I want just go a couple of stations by subway or tram and done. But fate obviously does want me to travel a lot.

It has a few advantages, eg. you get to know soo many places and many new people, many new airports and cultures...

But on the other hand, its heart breaking to say goodbye, fall asleep alone after getting used to be cuddled every night. Be dependent on skype, MSN or other communication programs and utilities, excluded phone because that is soooo filthy expensive (my god I dont want to see my phone bill honestly...)

Anyway how we czechies say - "love even mountains carries over" (literally translated... am not sure what is the right english idiom). And believe me or not it worth for me to wait....
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Oh my god

I am so in love. And I want to shout it from the rooftops so everyone knows how much i love my girl. I dont care what anyone thinks...

We are together exactly 7 months and 6 days. And I am still sooooo cheesy its disgusting, but I love it :D and happily she loves it too.
We say each other every day at least once we love each other... We love to fall asleep so tight we can feel each others heart beat. I love to play with her hair. I love to rub her on her tummy. I love to nibble her nose. I love to give her thousands little kisses all over her.

I can really see us in our future, with nice house, dogs, children. I know, I am naive. Who knows how the future will be. But I really wish I will still fall asleep with her, looking forward to see her after work and wake up beside her.

And finally, I love to fuck her.
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The Flyness

A short story written by Kira Crow © (or here; not English sites)
translated by Snoodle ©
and corrected by Wagerwitch © (thank you a lot!)

Can you hear the laugh?

Wafting through the market and enlacing by sweet scent as a snake, accompany the jingle of bells and nickels... So bright and clear that the surrounding bustle and people’s milling around seems to be just simple coulisse.

You like it? I see you raising your head and your glazed eyes sparkling with just a tiny touch of interest left. Can you understand yet?

It’s a laugh of group of children romping around the stalls belonging to their parents. They are offsprings of nomads. Wild human young ones.

Even you are the young one – torn from your mother’s arms, who gave her blood for your protection. Now you are their prisoner, stupid toy and an attraction for money... But you are so small you can’t understand.

No, I am not crying, just dust in my eyes that makes my tears.

The group of children runs around the market and have fun by the old game, but I know it won’t last for long and they will come here, eventually to you.

„Hey, uncle, show us the monster! “They yell and the face of the disgusting fat old geezer screwed up with a cheeky smile. „Oh you little scoundrels, I will show you the ugliest monster who has been torturing our nation, who used to hunt us on our journeys and has been steeling exactly little brats like you! “

The old stupid superstition has been told in gypsy camps for years. Who knows its origin? But I know it’s only poisoned slander, which only human have dared to spit into dragon’s face.

„But you do have money don’t you? “And nippers start to please, urge, implore, and threaten. „I will tell my dad! “ „We will tell on you to the old witch and your tooth ache won’t help you anymore“ At the end they resign and draw a couple of copper coins from their dirty pockets. The old man graciously leads them into the tent, to your cage.

Don’t jerk so much, I know it hurts. The hits by sharpened stones and pokes have made, in your still soft and weak skin, terrible scars which won’t heal. Your scales are dying out or becoming overgrown in the wrong direction, your little paws with small claws filed off so you can’t even walk. I am trying, Gods know, trying so hard to delude your pain by herbs and old medicine... But what can I do against the crowd? I can hardly treat you and the cuts start to heal, other spectators will come and hurt you again.

„Monster! Brute!“ scornful laughter full of malevolence, purple gloss of hate and sadism in all eyes around, even people who you can call decent and polite in normal life, here in Panopticum lose their barriers.

I know this is different laugh. Its full of joy and children’s carefreeness, but the moment it comes closer to you, it changes into laugh that brings pain.

Dont be scared, I didnt mean to terrify you. I wont let this happen again, little boy.
I cant let you fly to the wilds, you are so disabled you woudlnt survive for more than three days, I cant hide you. You have become destroyed shaking hillock, just a bundle of scars, sores and broken wings. I wish I was there when you were stolen from your mother, when you still had hope...

The strong chain has pressed its rusted pattern into your neck... Slowly loosening it not to hurt you.
I admit, I am crying.

You are so weak you are not defending yourself, when I hold you in my arms, you are just looking at me by your azure sad eyes. I rub you on your little nose for a while without thinking, listening to music from the market. I must be brave.

Taking the leather wee bag from my pocket, the one Ellen gave me long time ago. Ellen, the little druid and great healer. I can remember very well what she was telling me: „Only not much of diseases exist, which the magic can’t fix, Cora. But at the place, where even the magic fails, where the herbs cannot repair the damage... It isn’t a crime to use this. It’s a duty. “

Truthfully the herbs are locally referred to as Blower, but fortunately it doesn’t work the way the name suggest. At least not for the dragons. The water in the kettle is boiling already, I’m putting the little young white rootlets into it and slowly stirring. We still have time.

I want you to know that if I could help you by different way, I wouldn’t wait for a second. I swear to Gods, I will just help you away from the sorrows.

You would be such a beautiful dragon. Slim body, strong paws with dragon’s talons, green and yellow skin encrusted by shiny scales and bloody-red thorns, a tail closed by one strong spike. You would rise your head proudly to the sky and guard the woods, freedom would be your second name. Once you would hear the people’s laugh, you would never recognise the markets music. You wouldn’t experience more suffering than other wild creatures.

A bubbling water disturbs me from my fantasy, the concoction is finished.
Breathing deeply when pouring the medicine into the cornet made from birchen bark, my hands are shaking. You are lying in my lap and uncomprehendingly you follow my acting. If only you knew...

„The sun is gone, the stars are shining.
The Elves and others sadly whining. “

You’re listening to me with interest, I feel your frightened heart-beat calming down.

„Feys and Fairies dancing on meadows.
Welcoming Flyness, healer of sorrows. “

I carefully cut the top of the vial and slowly put it in your little maw. You are swallowing the bitter colourless liquid and listen to the song. You seem so calmed and content...

„Where the dragons fly, when the star of the dragon fades?
Where the fairies dance, when no one’s on the glades?
Everyone knows and wishes them to stay“

One, two hitches in sudden cramp, you closed your eyes and breathed out. At last. No more suffering, no more pain. I don’t care what they will do to me, when they find out!
Pressing the cooling small body and stifling sobs when singing:

„With Flyness the dragon, they pass away“

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Sometimes just one song…

…can perfectly describe the way I feel.

Its not a matter of lyrics, its more the atmosphere. Of course, everyone of us is different and everybody has his own ears. Lots of people think (and honestly me too) that Marilyn Manson is such a freak. But that's why i like him so much. And sometimes he can just hit the head on a nail (or was it hitting the nail on the head?)

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Travelling in time is possible

Everybody believes that travel by time is impossible. (Maybe not for Donnie Darko but that's another story.)

The tourist. Not original video but better than look five minutes at cd cover :)

It was November 2007. I listened to this song over and over again. Isn't it strange feeling when you are going through some period of your life and listen to some music, then have a few years break and listen to the song/album/interpret again?

I love it.

Music has power to give you opportunity to travel in time. It does a lot more than photos to me. I can live again and feel it so strong as nothing else. You have flutter-bys in your tummy, remembering what have you been doing, what were your problems and joys, who were you spending time with, who were your friends…

Who were you.

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"I am proud of you"

Hearing that made my day today. And tomorrow. It actually made my week and whole month.

I wished so much to hear that from my dad. And I heard it. And it made me happy.

Wish I could hear that from my mum too but doubt I will ever hear something nice from her. But life's life right you cant have everything you want to :)
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Why i have decided to be a dentist

Lots of people are really scared of dentists.

People are already scared of me, so it made my decision easy, one half of business is in my pocket!

Now seriously. I hear questions like "why dentistry my god?!" all the time. Its quite a long story. When i was small kid and went at school upstairs, somebody pushed me and i fell. The result was that my hard palate was in two pieces (dont worry, dont have any scarfs visible, because i am also known as this: , but that is another story) :)

Anyway i went to hospital, everything fixed, and there my teeth problems have started. My fuck*ing denist, some lady nearby my home, decided to pull my canine teeth. She gave me anaesthetic, but started pulling right after she put the injection away though, so you can imagine how painful that was. When i look back i dont see any reason why she had to do that, because my "adult teeth", concretely the canine ones, havent grown till 5 years after this accident.

Meanwhile the 5 years I went to Italy with my parents and had another accident - at night i have fallen from the bed and broke my incisor tooth. At home we went to x ray and the motto "better safe than sorry" worked well, they found out that in my gum there was a cyst. So i had to go to surgery and spent one week in hospital. To be honest, it was great week and i will never forget it :)) you know, children's department, so we had computer to play (only if there was nobody at operating theatre), and each other to bother. Also, compulsory ice-cream! It was great time really i enjoyed. My broken tooth had to be fixed many times, because they didnt want to pull it - so i have artificial extension till now :)

That is not all. You must know how does it work when you have space in your mouth (according to the canine teeth issue). Your teeth just start to be bored and want to travel, and so they do. My teeth werent any departure from the rule and soon i had teeth miles away from each other. That wasnt so bad if my adult teeth didnt want to be neglected anymore and wanted to grow up.

Unfortunately because of young teeth's travels, they didnt have any space so there was dangerous they will grow up straight into my cheek. So the other nice dentist (this time she was really nice) pulled off 5 my teeth. Two of them were adult and three young ones. Then i was given... how do you called the stuff... the metal things to keep your teeth straight? I havent found any translation.. but i am sure you know what i am talking about :)

After another few years they took it away and my teeth are well. I have never had tooth decay, thats a wee irony isnt it? Never was drilled. Just was sharpened so the artificial tooth could be built (nothing nice...).

So do you know now, why do i want to be a dentist? Yeah? V for Vendetta, revenge is mine you creepy dentists!

Just kidding. Only dont want anybody to walk through anything i walked through. I want to help people, i am manually skilful and human body always interested me... :)
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Winamp or iTunes?

Thas's a questions, isnt it?

I have been using iTunes for years. I think its the best player I have had. But life is change and I decided to try something else - Winamp.

I am trying to use winamp for exactly one week now. And to be honest, its gonna be the first and the last week with that media player. I followed my little personal rule to help me with impatience and new stuff - its about getting used to it, giving time to "know the shit" (getting all gangsta' now :)), and finally, customizing what ever i want to customize. First impression was great - my library was added during few seconds. I am used to have my music sorted perfectly - in iTunes I have two playlist folders - often listened and rarely listened, and in those i have created playlists A-Z interprets.

I tried to do the same in Winamp, I dont persist on having frequency folders, but what I really want to is to be able to sort songs in each playlist. By time, by name of song, by album, by comment, by anything i want to. Here comes the first problem, when accesing the actual "playlist" folder you created, i havent managed how to customize columns, and it offered me just simple ordination "Artist - song". I dont know which rule did it use, but it took me ages to find just one song in my Radiohead playlist, as I have all the discography :))) (yeah you guess right i am just showing off). Unfortunately i didnt manage to organise that in winamp. But i got over it, because winamp offered me great feature called "play songs similar to [xxx]". 

This very useful little utility was practicly only reason why i decided to stay with winamp (patience brings roses). Right-click on song and Winamp playlist generator will start scanning your library. 4 steps, first, second and third went good but the last. The last step stuck. After 2 hours waiting in curiosity what is gonna happen it still was saying "Analysing songs in progress, 0 from 6548 analysed." (or something like that).

That was it. I have done a little research (at first i enjoy to fix things and second i really want this helpful little thing). And found out that its not only me who has this problem. I even found an answer!

It simply doesnt work.

So, after few hours figting with winamp i am going back to old good itunes, it may be a little lumpish, but i dont see any reason, why should I desert to winamp :)
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Why are people blogging

I don't mean blogs for making money, or blogs to advertise something. I mean simple personal blogging, what happened to me, my thoughts, my dreams, my experiences.

But isn't that just pure exhibitionism? Or just knowing that someone cares? Or is it just tickling your ego to hear how good writer you are? Because really, who writes here the deepest thoughts? Who shares intimate things? To be honest, i would never publish something really private.

I am sure (and must say that there are lots and lots of things, which i am totally not sure of), that every blogger, even non-blogger has its own notepad, some scribble book, some real diary to share thoughts just with himself. Not just that because its really private. But because handwriting has lots of advantages – you can draw, tear all what have you written. Of course, you can just press “backspace”, but is that really it? Is it the pleasure which the “normal” deleting or tearing brings?

Also, I must admit, I have never destroyed what have I written in my diary. My first was just simple notebook, I started it at age of 13, first note is Sunday, 1st of June.

At the first page there is big sign “This is my DIARY”, and lots of little notes: another year passed, another year sucked, another lousy year is coming (lol).

At the second page there is a little introduction of myself and then i started writing. The last note is from yesterday’s eve. Its not in the same diary, but still I am tempted to write something “in-hand”.

I bet that you, you, you, and even you have under the bed, or in a little suitcase, or in a wardrobe, drawer, secret place… some real diary, only for your eyes or person who you trust the most and want him/her to really know you, real diary with your biggest secrets, wishes, embarrassing moments, broken heart issues…

So why do personal blogs exist? That is my question.

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President of Bank of Canada

One day an old woman came to the Bank of Canada with huge bag stuffed with money. She was demanding for appointment with the president of the company, because she wants to have an account, and that she has really lots of money to make it. After long argument with secretary she is taken to the president's office.

President asks her how much does she want to save then. She answered about 165 000 dollars.
"Very interesting", comments president and when asked, how could she save so much money, she answered "From bets!".

Very surprised president was wondering "what bets?"
And old woman started: "For example, I will bet with you for 25 000 dollars, that your testicles are cube shaped!" President started to laugh and said "But there is no way you could win this bet!"
"Wanna bet?"
"Of course", answered president. "I can guarantee you, that my testicles truly arent neither cube shaped, nor even angular."
"Well done, we just arranged the bet. If you agree, i will come at 10AM with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem."

The same evening was president very nervous and spent hours and hours in front of the mirror controlling, if his testicles hold normal shape. Turning them left and right, upside down, every directions to make sure that there is no way that is testicles could be like cubes and he just must win the bet.

Next day exactly at 10AM the old woman came with a lawyer to the office. President took off trousers so she and her lawyer can see everything. Lady came closer and asked, if she can touch. "Of course, go on," said president, knowing, that this is all about money. "You must be 100% sure."

Lady controlled the testicles, smiling.

Then the president looked at her lawyer - at the moment banging his head of the wall. "Why is he doing that?!" asked.

"Probably because i bet with him for 100 000 dollars, that today about 10AM i will hold in my hand testicles of President of Bank of Canada..."
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The keys

Because i still cant decide in which language shall i write… Will keep to writing in English until im bored :) i know my grammar isnt great and my vocabulary either… but nobody smart fell from the sky ;)

Everybody lost keys in life sometimes. My first time was today. Went to buy my dad present. Some nice Irish whiskey and maybe cigars. The whole journey takes 20 minutes (visiting ATM included).

Regardless of remembering having the keys when going 20m to the tobacco shop, my memories don’t reach further than to shopping in supermarket 10 minutes after.

Waiting in the queue for 15 minutes because they had some problems on the cash machine didnt cheer me up at all. On the way home i wanted to prepare my keys and – keys were nowhere. Nothing in my pockets, nothing in my bags.

So i rushed to the tobacco – i just MUST have left it there. When i came to the shop i thought ill die. The gate was closed and nobody was inside. On the door there was written “during holidays we are closing at 18:30”. Looked on the watch and it was exactly 18:34. Tried to phone the number advertised, no answer.

Coke, Jameson and two melting pizzas in paper-bag, stuck. Called landlord, of course she had no back up keys. Called my girl for support… Tried to unlock the door – no chance, broke my card and almost destroyed the lock by picking it by pin :/

Now my wallet got rid of 900 and i hope i will never loose keys again. From 10minutes shopping became 2 hours waiting for the key service, which opened door in 1 second.

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How to install Windows Live! programs without upgrading MSN?

Or how to downgrade MSN?

(pozn. česky začnu psát až po tomhle příspěvku. Protože mi trvalo 4 hodiny než jsem přišla na zmiňovaný problém. Tak proč se nepodělit.)

Microsoft really pissed me off. Millions of people use MSN as a communication program. Its probably the most wide program ever. According to 10th anniversary they published new version of MSN, now called Microsoft live messenger.

MSN 2009 has one advantage which i like to use – sharing pictures without sending them as file. You can easily drag them and put them into messaging window, and the other side will immediately see what u want to show.

Even though lots of people are used to their MSN 8.5 and lower, after the upgrading they are not able to downgrade again in case they dont like the new version.
There are lots of step-by-step advices how to get rid of MSN 2009 (uninstallation is not never complete, you must clean your registry), but really the best option for me as an amateur was using the program ZapMessenger. Its a little executable file downloadable everywhere (just type in google or read further, link is down here), and it will remove your msn completely.

I am using Microsoft writer right now to write this post. Its fine utility, i didnt like the default blogger.com editor as i didnt figure out how to add tables. It is like mini-microsoft word. You can use simple formating etc., further informations about writer HERE in review.

You can download all elements of Windows live! separately – Mail, Photogallery, Writer, Messenger, etc. The windows live installer will ask you. BUT if you already have MSN (older version than 2009), it wont ask you if you want any upgrade, just tells you that you must upgrade. WTF?! Why would I have to upgrade, when Im totally convenient with program I am using? Why is there the MUST?!

So I tried to google the title above – how to install windows live programs without upgrading msn, and nothing was found. Its really easy though, but its written nowhere.

Also, it took me two hours to find MSN 8.5 installation file. Its not ANYWHERE. Really. You must search google really deeply to find the basic installation package called “wlm85.msi”(about 16MB), not “WLinstaller.exe” (about 2MB), which automatically runs windows live and forces you to upgrade.

Well, first of all, back up your old msn, better safe than sorry :)

Then run Windows Live installer and install the programs you wish to use, plus upgrade your MSN to version 2009. Run ZapMessenger.exe (download HERE), wait a couple of minutes, then reboot computer. After restart download MSN 8.5 HERE. Installation starts. I dont know how its supposed to look like, but my computer showed me little installation window but totally empty - without any text. So i waited what will happen and in Start - programs "Windows messenger" appeared. Clicked on it and there it was, windows live messenger 8.5!

So i downloaded Live Plus! HERE to configure skins and enable tabbed chatting window, and here is the result:

Anyway as you can see, i dont have many msn contacts. (suma sumárum 4 me including), because all of my friends are using ICQ. But really I hope i will manage to convince them to install msn, even the new version, because video chat is useful tool. Also, file sharing is very good idea. And surely the games as well :)
Talking about MSN games leads me to question – how can i ADD games to msn directly to play with my friends? One of the reasons why i wanted msn was that there are hundreds of msn games advertised… how can i get the multiplayer games? Even icq official has more :)

Finally finnished, congratulation if you read it to the end :)

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Why am i not writing in czech?

Víte, ani nevím. Možná proto, protože se chci přiučit něčemu v aj? Ale čemu se můžu přiučit, když to píšu sama, nikdo mě neučí, nikdo mě neotpravuje…

Na druhou stranu, čeština má takových možností. Opravdu. Nevím o žádném jiném jazyku, který by toho dokázal tolik, co čeština. Který by měl tolik synonym jako čeština.

Tak proč čj nevyužívám? Ale jo, budu. Jak je vidět, čas od času budu psát i česky. Jednak proto, že něco se v aj prostě vyjádřit nedá (tak jako v čj), a jednak proto, že je to přeci jen můj rodný jazyk a já si ho budu vydržovat.

A víte co, já začnu psát česky hned.

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Have you ever felt connected with someone…?

“Omg! That was exactly what was i going to say!” i hear this sentence all the time.
Its strange, ive been in love many times, mostly unhappily. But with my girl i feel something more than just love. I dont know what that is, but its strong and wee scary. Some kind of connection between us.
Few examples.
We woke up in the morning. I dont know why have i said that but it doesnt matter. Ive asked her “youve been drinking during the night havent you, how many fingers am i showing?”… thought its good fun but she looked at me and told me she was drinking whiskey in her dreams, lots of whiskey.
Another time we were playing game – “guess what am i thinking about”. You know, that sort of games when you are bored and just do something to entertain you? “Its something in the kitchen” she just told me. “Im sending you signal!” Bullshit, actually i never received anything and this time was the same – i really didnt get any signal, but i said first thing which crossed my mind… Fork! And it worked…

She was out, I was out. Got her chinese noodles. I came earlier than she... She came and said "got u some chinese noodles!"

Thousand times i was in the middle of texting her and she called me.
My friend told me its fine that at least i will know when something happens. Well i dont think its that good but… who knows. Anyway hope that i wont get a chance to test it :)
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“If I guess the plot right, can we not watch the movie?”

“Go on.”
“Whole time its the man who is schizophrenic.”
Actually, it was the first stupidest plot of movie which crossed my mind at the moment. I just didnt want to watch another scary freaky movie at the same night.
She didnt remember, so we watched the film one day after, after all, i like being scared, so wanted to see what happens. Trailer looked really good. The film was good if you cut the end.

If you guess the name of the movie right, does it worth to watch it?
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Gone baby gone

And she is gone.
I am pissed off.
Happy.
Worried.
Alone.
In love.
Looking forward.

Hungry. Lets make lasagne!
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End of...

what?

End of what?

Sometimes it feels to me its end of everything. But, as most of us having that feeling, I go sleep, wake up in the morning, go brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work or school and the fucking world is still going on and I cant do anything about that.

Powerless.

What can you do when you dont know. No book exist to explain.. even uncle google has no power to help.

When you look out of the window and want to be somewhere else, someone else.

Everything is gonna be just fine. You keep saying that to yourself, trying to lie to yourself and survive... Yell on the railwaystation "youve got ze power!"...
But deeply inside you know there is no power you could have.
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How my greatest holidays have started

let's start...

I had blog and I loved it, it still exist but I didnt figure out how to block people read it. Why? My mother started to read it.

You know, its really uncomfortable to post something when you know that your parent can sneak and read your thoughts. So, I set this blog and started write in English, because my mother cant understand a word and also I doubt she could find this.

Anyway, Im keeping lots of thoughts inside me for a long time.

This year i finnished high school and the longest and best holidays were supposed to begin in June. Four months of great fun, trips, doing nothing, earning some money.

Idylistic, isnt it. I got to university, Im starting dentistry in Prague. Exciting but according to circumstances its more stressful and scary.
Which circumstances am I talking about?

Dont know where to start really. Ive got a girlfriend. And yes, Im a girl (unfortunately you cant know in English unless I say so... this is what I dont like about this language). She is Irish, we met 7 months ago (but this is another story).
She moved in my mothers and mine flat about month before my final exam. I thought everythings fine, despite we had really small flat 1+1.. I think we were going well. Until my mother started to have lots of problems with my gf. She started to talk to me about her in worst ways... That she is a liar, thief, parasite and what ever. It made me so upset, I didnt know what to do. She was paying rent (not very cheap) and lived on two square meters like some maggot.

My mum was moving to another flat, which was under reconstruction. The script was just perfect. We will survive the co-habiting for two months till the flat is finnished and then my mum is gone, we have the flat and my mum is happy and excited about new place too.

One day we have had terrible fight with my mum. My gf was at work. We were screaming and yelling on each other so badly, I had to listen all that shit she was saying about my love... That Im loosing myself, that SHE is piece of shit, worse than shit, she is looser and everything. I left the house and went to meet my lover and told her everything what was going on in last few weeks.

We decided to suggest that we would move out. And, that was it. My mum was so angry she threw us on the street in the middle of the night.

Isnt that ironic. She left me the car so I could go everywhere in the world. But I couldnt go anywhere. We went to my dads place and asked him if we can stay for couple of days.

In one day we found great flat in the same area where my old one is. I havent talked to my mother for weeks. My grand mother is bombarding me with telephonates that I must humble, I must fix it with my mother. But I dont know what have I done wrong. Where did I make mistake? Where my girl did mistake? Have I had choice?

Sometimes Im thinking I've had a choice... Leave my girlfriend and stay "home", be submissive and listen to my mother. Or, I havent had a choice and I had to leave and there was no other choice.

One week later I spoke to my dad. He said there could be a problem with me getting my stuff, that my mother doesnt want me to have it. The same day I phoned her... I could get my stuff, but "leave the whore at home".
I got the keys, my pet... And had to listen that I betrayed her, that Im not her daughter anymore and that she doesnt want to see me anymore. That Im a thief, and that i should think about that nothing there is really mine. I wanted to pack my stuff... But really couldnt do that. Broken down, i spent almost 20 years in that flat. Had completely new bed 175x200 square cm.
So my girl told me to call my mum and ask her to stay there.

Its too late she said. No way back. Bye... So I went.
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