Nightmare before... christmas?

No... I am not talking about the fabulous Burton's animated story. Just talking about my life as usual lol.

Have new roommates. Very nice people. Hope they will like their new home, really hope.

Was visiting my mother... Not very nice. Her new apartment is absolutely awesome. Mindblowing. Took my breath away, really. First couple of hours we were just chatting, even laughing, admiring new stuff, talking about my school, ... I was really happy to see her. But still it felt... cold, really wanted to hug her. But then her antidepressives stopped working or I dontk now what happened, but she got very angry with me. She started to blaim me for everything what happened... That my girlfriend is bitch, that she is abusing me and other bullshit. She doesnt know anything, anything about my girlfriend. She didnt even give any effort to get to know her! "too lazy to learn new language" she said the other time. "I am taking your heart-shaped glasses off! I want you to think about your relationship!!!" ........... I am thinking!!! And I am happy. For the first time in my life I am happy. Not always - as she is far away now... But in general, I feel happy love.

Not like my mum... I dont want to be like her. But she does want me to be like her... She has a new boyfriend. They are together for 4 months. I really want her to be satisfied, she deserves to have someone who loves her. But I think she doesnt cherish the other person's love. She doesnt cherish the other person at all. Or at least it feels to me like that. I was soooo glad to hear she has somebody... When I told her "thats great! How did you met, how long are you together?", she said "4 months... but I dont know I am not happy... there are things which I really dont like. Eg. he is a chef and works in some luxury restaurant, and his shifts are really rough - he doesnt know when he will have to support or swap his shifts for his collegues etc., then I think he has problems with alcohol... and then once he was 3 hours late and made so impossible excuse, like that he had to pick his friend ----- etc etc" - i really didnt understand the issue.

But to get to the point - where is some trust? She doesnt trust him. What is the relationship about then? As I remember, she didnt trust any of her partners. Not even one. According to her, every of them wanted just to abuse her and cheat on her.

She was happy when she was with them - Ive seen that, she felt it, but she always made some reasons why she cant be with them...

I think that the relationship is about trust, about compromise, about support, love. Of course you have to think about it. But not too much. You would go absolutely crazy, paranoid... Thinking up incredible stories what could happen instead of the excuse which was said to you. I know that, I was like this too. But it was driving me mad. It was destroying me... Maybe I created some defensive mechanism.

I think about it... But not too much. Whenever I have crazy thoughts... I ask my friend to kick my ass to wake up. Or I manage it myself - stop thinking about it. There is nothing I can do anyway - so why to suffer?

I miss my mum like crazy :(

When I was leaving - after her monologue "how could you burn 20 years of your life?!" - she said really ugly good bye and pushed me out of the house and almost slapped the door in front of my nose... I didnt get that... We had so nice time! Or at least I felt it to be nice... I asked her if I can come again, and she said "Thats the thing you should think about" - its not how it sounds in english, in czech it was little different but there is no way i can translate it. It was practicly "depends on my mood". And slapped the door.

When I told her I am gonna spend Christmas in Ireland, she said "you must be kidding me!! Do you have your family there?! If you do this you completely cut off every possibility how to have relationship with me. Ask your dad how will he feel about it!!!" ... and she went completely crazy.

Situation is like this... My dad has new family. Girlfriend and little daughter. I have never spent Christmas with him. Never, only went for a visit couple of days before or after... Always with my mum. I dont even feel at home in his house... Its not my home. I dont feel it, and I would feel like a foreigner there.
My relationship with my mum is - like this. Cant imagine that we will sit happily to the dinning table on Holy night to the classical carp and salad and pretend that we are all happy...
What does she expect? That I will sit alone at home?

And yes, I have family in Ireland. I have home in Ireland. I feel at home in Ireland.

Home is not where are you living, but where they understand you. And love you.

I feel so weak... :(

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Temptation to write....

Just anything, as usual. To let my thoughts go away from me...

Living in the "new" flat for one month already. Waiting for my lover (comes next week), who feels that I am suffocating her... I dont know what I am doing wrong in our relationship. What should I do? I dont want to suffocate her. Stopped texting her, stopped calling her. Now will leave it up to her. When she wants to contact me, I will be happy...

I am so scared and worried. Need to get a subletter here because the rent is too high for us. Really many people were interested and mailed me. But really to have a look came only half of them and the rest didnt bother to tell that they are not coming. Quarter of people who came texted me that they are sorry but found another place - closer to work, flat with more people in, ... And another quarter didnt bother to contact me at all.

Really nervous about that... Need someone in two days - mission impossible...

I miss my girl like crazy. But afraid to tell her... Hope everything is gonna be just fine by time.

School is hard (who would expect that). Cant wait to finnish the first year. Will have to lie in the books whole weekend and study cranium, then latin and histology.

Disgusted with my country... With people. Feeling lonely and alone here. On the other hand, I am refusing people and socializing in last few weeks. Its like a magic circle... I want to see people, go out, have fun... But on the other side - I want them to leave me alone. I actually dont know what I want. Thats even worse.
I am going out, getting drunk... Was in bar this week, last week... And what. It just gave me hangover... Was fun, "good craic"...

Another useless post which will stay unread but will help me to sort my thoughts out and kill some of time which I dont have anyway....

Feel like I want to go to bed and sleep for 5 years, then wake up and see where I am. Or just stay dreaming. I am dreaming all the time anyway, even when I am awake. Strange, that I need a coffee when going to study. It kicks my ass and then I can learn a lot in short time. Will wake up early tomorrow and stay - why am I writing stay? Wanted to write start. Mr. Freud would be laughing at the moment :) Start studying.

Listening to Muse, and having flutterbys in my tummy, because I have really strong memories for this music, especially for the Sing for absolution.


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Unsent letters

Am i weirdo or do u do it as well?

I write a letter... to anyone. But dont send it. I dont know why do i write it then? To sort out my thoughts? There are sooo many things I want to say and ask. I have just written one letter but as soon as I finnished it, I decided not to send it. Or give it, whatver...

Maybe I could post it here and who knows, maybe the person will come across my blog and read it. But maybe not.

I do it with blog posts too. I write a post and then dont post it. Considering not posting even this one.

Shall I or shall I not?
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Everybody deserves to be mad. Pure egoism.

I am stuffed with the "normality" all around. I can hear everywhere "you are NOT NORMAL!!!", this is not normal, that is not normal, what is normal then?

I am lesbian. And I think it is normal as far as I am happy and do not hurt anyone. I still cant walk on the street holding my girls hand, because she doesnt want to be in the centre of attention and entertainment for others. And its true. But really, who doesnt see us? Even when we are not holding hands. The way how we look at each other... Only dumbass cant see.


Why is green and blue combination of clothes so out? Once I had green trousers and blue vest top. And some old guy noted "green and blue good for mad heads!". But honestly, you can see the combination of green and blue everywhere. Trees are green and the sky is blue and when the sun is shining its soo beautiful!

I love new things. I love new crayons, new papers, sharpened pencils, i love to pronounce "r" and "sh". I love licking ice cubes. I love hot bath (but that is normal, right?). I love to sing loudly how the song goes. Some people say I should rather shut up cause my singing is terrible. But i doubt they ever tried it. Good singing is imho not about good voice, but good heart and emotions.

I love cleaning. Hate tidying, but love cleaning. I love when white things are white without any trace of dirt. I love ironing. Love how all the wrinkles disappear. I love when my legs are perfectly shaved. I love play with my hair. I love to say FUCK! I love to say I love you. And I love to hear it as well.

I love order in my computer folders. I love to watch sunset and dream. I love being tickled on my back. I love receiving post, the real, hand-written post. Also I love to write it :)

I love my ballpoints. I love fixing things. And not just things. I love fixing everything. Broken hearts and broken legs.... Broken people. And I am good at it :)

Enough of love.

I hate addictive things. I am addicted to communication with people and I know it. But its hardly treatable. I hate drugs, hate beer and hate hangovers. I hate being lost and bitten by mosquitos.

I hate overcrowded buses and trams and every public transport stuff. I hate migrenes!!! I hate boking and insecurity, suspense. I hate dirty keyboard.

I hate long nails.
Hate lies.
Hate flies.
Hate public toilets.
Hate when dont know where my documents are.
Hate when I am afraid.
Hate being lonely but not alone. Unfortunately those two things are usually coming together...
Hate when I am jealous. And I am. A lot. And I know it and try to fight against it.
Hate being naive. And I am. A lot. But dont try to beat it cause being naive is soo much easier...

And finally, I love writing pure egoistic posts which noone reads. But it helps :)

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Why are people blogging

I don't mean blogs for making money, or blogs to advertise something. I mean simple personal blogging, what happened to me, my thoughts, my dreams, my experiences.

But isn't that just pure exhibitionism? Or just knowing that someone cares? Or is it just tickling your ego to hear how good writer you are? Because really, who writes here the deepest thoughts? Who shares intimate things? To be honest, i would never publish something really private.

I am sure (and must say that there are lots and lots of things, which i am totally not sure of), that every blogger, even non-blogger has its own notepad, some scribble book, some real diary to share thoughts just with himself. Not just that because its really private. But because handwriting has lots of advantages – you can draw, tear all what have you written. Of course, you can just press “backspace”, but is that really it? Is it the pleasure which the “normal” deleting or tearing brings?

Also, I must admit, I have never destroyed what have I written in my diary. My first was just simple notebook, I started it at age of 13, first note is Sunday, 1st of June.

At the first page there is big sign “This is my DIARY”, and lots of little notes: another year passed, another year sucked, another lousy year is coming (lol).

At the second page there is a little introduction of myself and then i started writing. The last note is from yesterday’s eve. Its not in the same diary, but still I am tempted to write something “in-hand”.

I bet that you, you, you, and even you have under the bed, or in a little suitcase, or in a wardrobe, drawer, secret place… some real diary, only for your eyes or person who you trust the most and want him/her to really know you, real diary with your biggest secrets, wishes, embarrassing moments, broken heart issues…

So why do personal blogs exist? That is my question.

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Why am i not writing in czech?

Víte, ani nevím. Možná proto, protože se chci přiučit něčemu v aj? Ale čemu se můžu přiučit, když to píšu sama, nikdo mě neučí, nikdo mě neotpravuje…

Na druhou stranu, čeština má takových možností. Opravdu. Nevím o žádném jiném jazyku, který by toho dokázal tolik, co čeština. Který by měl tolik synonym jako čeština.

Tak proč čj nevyužívám? Ale jo, budu. Jak je vidět, čas od času budu psát i česky. Jednak proto, že něco se v aj prostě vyjádřit nedá (tak jako v čj), a jednak proto, že je to přeci jen můj rodný jazyk a já si ho budu vydržovat.

A víte co, já začnu psát česky hned.

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End of...

what?

End of what?

Sometimes it feels to me its end of everything. But, as most of us having that feeling, I go sleep, wake up in the morning, go brush my teeth, get dressed, go to work or school and the fucking world is still going on and I cant do anything about that.

Powerless.

What can you do when you dont know. No book exist to explain.. even uncle google has no power to help.

When you look out of the window and want to be somewhere else, someone else.

Everything is gonna be just fine. You keep saying that to yourself, trying to lie to yourself and survive... Yell on the railwaystation "youve got ze power!"...
But deeply inside you know there is no power you could have.
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