Fuck women...

I will pull a man and we will live happily ever after... I dont know what Im doing wrong that I am being ditched over and over again?

Ive met this girl a few months ago, she was way out of my league... but i got drunk, she got drunk, she spent the night (although we didnt fuck), we started to date, and even when i was (and am) still in love with my ex, i have very good time with her and sort of got used to her. But by the time she wanted me to be in love with her, but 1) i am really afraid to fall in love, 2) i cant.

On sunday we had really great time, as far as i can say... and on tuesday she ditched me. I am not sure if my ego hurts or is that my heart? Anyway i really dont know what Im doing wrong... i try so hard but everything goes to waste. I am really glad i didnt fall in love with her as I would be crying in bed now. Like i knew it before it happened.

Today i missed few classes at uni... wasnt able to get out of the bed even when i wasnt really tired. Sometimes i really want to kill myself, i suppose i was born in wrong century, romantism would be just great for me.

I have really black consience i didnt go to the class as it was quite important one but depression is a whore.

Also I am gonna have a new flatmate. Today another two people are gonna have a look, yesterday it was Max and he wants to move in... so i will see who i like the best.

I am tired.
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Year's gone...

I cant believe it run so fast... So many has changed, from little wee snoodle in love became depressed and broken hearted eejit. She left me, again and again, and even though we havent seen each other for more than a half a year now, I am still mad about her, feeling like it was yesterday when she last hugged me and kissed me.

I know ur not curious about my love life mumbo-jumbo.

Tomorrow Ill continue becoming a esteemed dentist. During holidays Ive been practising in an ordination, taking off dental calculus (do you really use this term? Should start learning some terms, as I dream of going to erasmus), examinating patiens... After two days "at work" i completely lost my ideals and said I dont want to do that.

So I decided to dive into surgery and implantology. Havent decided yet what is gonna be my final goal, but defos I dont want to stuck just drilling carieses...

Situation with my mother has been getting better till last week, when we had fight and i havent spoken to her yet till now.
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New section

"Unsent letters".

So many times i write a letter but never send it... so i will write it here and who knows, maybe the one, who is supposed to read it will read it, and maybe not. Just must write it somewhere.
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First week with new Asus EEE 1201N

It was my birthday and my wish was to get a nice netbook. Ive chosen then new Asus EEE 1201N in red colour and will share my experiences Ive had so far.

I know there are lots of reviews of this notebook, but found only one user's one and it didnt give me informations I wanted to know. Doubt google will google this article, but maybe it will be useful for some people who cant decide which device to buy.

The netbook really looks wonderful. Its design is one of the most beautiful Ive seen. Ive read some reviews, where was said, that its glossy so its very easily getting dirty with lots of fingerprints. Dont know if its only red one, but mine has glossy only the part inside - around a keybord and though the fingerprints are not as visible as i expected. When the netbook is closed, its not glossy at all (dont know the english word - opaque?) and it has nice smooth surface and it took me a while to put a fingerprint on it (also took me a while to clean it).


Its pretty big in comparism with other netbooks which is big big possitive, hate the tiny ones when its hard to put your finger on the letter you actually want to - the keybord is really king sized, on each side it has only 7mm to the edge, so there are no problems with writing or typing mistakes. Didnt notice any problems with buttons, all of them are pretty responsive, not too hard to press also not too soft, just perfect.

LCD Screen 12,1'' HD definition, everything is nice and sharp and watching videos its just awesome. Only thing which disturbs a wee bit is, that the screen really is glossy, so if you have light behind you, you can see yourself (as on the picture - click to get bigger) pretty good and its distracting from eg. watching movie or playing game. On other netbooks disturbs me that you have to scroll many times, even to side, there is no problem with this.

Touchpad. It has really nice surface - its not divided by terrible "edges" but only little spots are on it, very pleasant to touch. Its fast, responsive, accurate. Only problem I am noticing is, that multitouch is being kind of cheeky to me. Dont know if its issue of every of them, but mine from time to time decides to disable scrolling and zooming. I scroll using two fingers sliding up or down and according to that screen scrolls. But sometimes I can slide to death and the screen wont move, even though the little symbol of scrolling appears. Only restart helps, then it works perfectly... Have browsed through some settings but everything seemed to be "working". Googled if somebody has experiencing the same troubles but didnt find anything so I will appreciate if you can give me some hint what the problem is.
The touchpad buttons are bit harder to press for me, but getting quite used to it, anyway I use just tap on the pad's area than pressing the buttons.

Webcam - no troubles, nice 0.3M, picture is sharp and doesnt stuck while videophoning on skype or wherever.

Battery life. Here I am really disappointed. Read some reviews, also the description on the site I bought this (!!), where is said that the battery can hold on even 8 hours! Well, sure it can, if you keep it off. But if you are normally working on it, dont expect more than 3 hours, 3 and half max. I set mine to: wifi on (permanently online), BT off, LCD brightness to 20% and sounds off and battery mode to "power saving". Using only internet, microsoft word and powerpoint. Didnt get more than 3 hours and 25 minutes. Done everything right, completely let the battery die, then charge, then use it till it dies and then charged it again, but really more than 4 hours is impossible. But according to processor and graphics card and performance its understandable and you can always buy one more battery to keep going :)

Speakers and microphone. Speakers are two on each side of netbook. They are not best, but not worst either. Can go pretty loud, but when listening to music quite loud, you can really hear noise which disturbs the music. In headphones everything seems fine. Watching movie was just fine, when people talk, the noise is smaller, but when there was some exciting music, had to turn it down a little bit, but that still made a nice hearable sound, so if you are not at the train station, you will enjoy the movie anyway (and the screen is really awesome). Microphone is sensitive, other side on skype and landline and mobile phone heard me clearly, without noises and other disturbings, even when I was sitting about 50cm far away from the pc.

Windows 7 Home Premium. This is my first experience with this new operating system. On my normal PC I am running WIN XP and my experience with Vista equals my experience of walking on the moon. It runs really fast with 2GB ram memory, nvidia ION graphics card and intel atom processor inside. It didnt stuck even once so far which nicely surprised me. If you are used to windows XP, you will easily get used to WIN7 - I managed it in 10 minutes to work out the basics. Only problem I got was to understand strange Documents explorer. You have your favourites, then libraries and then PC itself (maybe this is in Vista too?). Took me a while to understand the difference between "library" and "Computer", but then I realised how does it work and its much better than in Win XP. In your libraries (music, movies, documetns, ...) you are having some sort of "shortcuts" to your folders which are in "computer\D:"... Imagine you have some movies on D: disc and C disc as well. In libraries you have everything on one place and you dont have to browse through your discs and find them. Of course you can set which destinations your libraries load, I have set it to only D: disc as I am using it mostly for data as music and movies.

Only once the screen started to be funny - green, blue, grey blinking, thought its some virus but the provided "Trend micro security" didnt find anything and because I find NOD32 as the best antivirus system you can get, I downloaded theirs and it didnt find anything as well. Restart helped and it didnt happen for 5 days already so hopefully it was just some crazy bug repaired by some updates.

Gaming. I am installing all files through my home wifi network, put dvd into drive on big computer and install it on asus, which works pretty fine and fast - proves the speed of wifi as well which is really good and without any bugs like disconnecting when you really dont need to be cut off connection. Installed Aliens vs. Predator 2, SOD II gold edition and Commandos 2. Works great. All of the games are quite old and the compatibility with WIN7 doesnt make any problems, it just runs fast, smooth and doesnt stuck at all. Tried SODII network multiplayer - works great as well, no problems with connnection or speed, even seen other players been freezing. Was afraid of not compatibility with new system but was nicely surprised. Only problem with those games is that they dont run HD definition so from each side of screen there is about 5cm black gap which from the beginning really distracted me, but I got used to it... Tried to set the resolution in the games, but it didnt have the one needed. Maybe its problem of only those games or every game, dont know, but its not such a big problem for me. (but having fullscreen game would really increase the game experience).

To summarize all of it, I am really happy with this little wee device, especially because its not so little wee, its fast, great looking and comfortable. If you cant decide what to buy, I sincerely recommend this one. Great for work, study and as multimedia station too.
If you have any questions feel free to ask.
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My mind is a box

... and you put things in.

Sometimes just one song can exactly express your feelings when you dont know how to.
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Nightmare before... christmas?

No... I am not talking about the fabulous Burton's animated story. Just talking about my life as usual lol.

Have new roommates. Very nice people. Hope they will like their new home, really hope.

Was visiting my mother... Not very nice. Her new apartment is absolutely awesome. Mindblowing. Took my breath away, really. First couple of hours we were just chatting, even laughing, admiring new stuff, talking about my school, ... I was really happy to see her. But still it felt... cold, really wanted to hug her. But then her antidepressives stopped working or I dontk now what happened, but she got very angry with me. She started to blaim me for everything what happened... That my girlfriend is bitch, that she is abusing me and other bullshit. She doesnt know anything, anything about my girlfriend. She didnt even give any effort to get to know her! "too lazy to learn new language" she said the other time. "I am taking your heart-shaped glasses off! I want you to think about your relationship!!!" ........... I am thinking!!! And I am happy. For the first time in my life I am happy. Not always - as she is far away now... But in general, I feel happy love.

Not like my mum... I dont want to be like her. But she does want me to be like her... She has a new boyfriend. They are together for 4 months. I really want her to be satisfied, she deserves to have someone who loves her. But I think she doesnt cherish the other person's love. She doesnt cherish the other person at all. Or at least it feels to me like that. I was soooo glad to hear she has somebody... When I told her "thats great! How did you met, how long are you together?", she said "4 months... but I dont know I am not happy... there are things which I really dont like. Eg. he is a chef and works in some luxury restaurant, and his shifts are really rough - he doesnt know when he will have to support or swap his shifts for his collegues etc., then I think he has problems with alcohol... and then once he was 3 hours late and made so impossible excuse, like that he had to pick his friend ----- etc etc" - i really didnt understand the issue.

But to get to the point - where is some trust? She doesnt trust him. What is the relationship about then? As I remember, she didnt trust any of her partners. Not even one. According to her, every of them wanted just to abuse her and cheat on her.

She was happy when she was with them - Ive seen that, she felt it, but she always made some reasons why she cant be with them...

I think that the relationship is about trust, about compromise, about support, love. Of course you have to think about it. But not too much. You would go absolutely crazy, paranoid... Thinking up incredible stories what could happen instead of the excuse which was said to you. I know that, I was like this too. But it was driving me mad. It was destroying me... Maybe I created some defensive mechanism.

I think about it... But not too much. Whenever I have crazy thoughts... I ask my friend to kick my ass to wake up. Or I manage it myself - stop thinking about it. There is nothing I can do anyway - so why to suffer?

I miss my mum like crazy :(

When I was leaving - after her monologue "how could you burn 20 years of your life?!" - she said really ugly good bye and pushed me out of the house and almost slapped the door in front of my nose... I didnt get that... We had so nice time! Or at least I felt it to be nice... I asked her if I can come again, and she said "Thats the thing you should think about" - its not how it sounds in english, in czech it was little different but there is no way i can translate it. It was practicly "depends on my mood". And slapped the door.

When I told her I am gonna spend Christmas in Ireland, she said "you must be kidding me!! Do you have your family there?! If you do this you completely cut off every possibility how to have relationship with me. Ask your dad how will he feel about it!!!" ... and she went completely crazy.

Situation is like this... My dad has new family. Girlfriend and little daughter. I have never spent Christmas with him. Never, only went for a visit couple of days before or after... Always with my mum. I dont even feel at home in his house... Its not my home. I dont feel it, and I would feel like a foreigner there.
My relationship with my mum is - like this. Cant imagine that we will sit happily to the dinning table on Holy night to the classical carp and salad and pretend that we are all happy...
What does she expect? That I will sit alone at home?

And yes, I have family in Ireland. I have home in Ireland. I feel at home in Ireland.

Home is not where are you living, but where they understand you. And love you.

I feel so weak... :(

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Temptation to write....

Just anything, as usual. To let my thoughts go away from me...

Living in the "new" flat for one month already. Waiting for my lover (comes next week), who feels that I am suffocating her... I dont know what I am doing wrong in our relationship. What should I do? I dont want to suffocate her. Stopped texting her, stopped calling her. Now will leave it up to her. When she wants to contact me, I will be happy...

I am so scared and worried. Need to get a subletter here because the rent is too high for us. Really many people were interested and mailed me. But really to have a look came only half of them and the rest didnt bother to tell that they are not coming. Quarter of people who came texted me that they are sorry but found another place - closer to work, flat with more people in, ... And another quarter didnt bother to contact me at all.

Really nervous about that... Need someone in two days - mission impossible...

I miss my girl like crazy. But afraid to tell her... Hope everything is gonna be just fine by time.

School is hard (who would expect that). Cant wait to finnish the first year. Will have to lie in the books whole weekend and study cranium, then latin and histology.

Disgusted with my country... With people. Feeling lonely and alone here. On the other hand, I am refusing people and socializing in last few weeks. Its like a magic circle... I want to see people, go out, have fun... But on the other side - I want them to leave me alone. I actually dont know what I want. Thats even worse.
I am going out, getting drunk... Was in bar this week, last week... And what. It just gave me hangover... Was fun, "good craic"...

Another useless post which will stay unread but will help me to sort my thoughts out and kill some of time which I dont have anyway....

Feel like I want to go to bed and sleep for 5 years, then wake up and see where I am. Or just stay dreaming. I am dreaming all the time anyway, even when I am awake. Strange, that I need a coffee when going to study. It kicks my ass and then I can learn a lot in short time. Will wake up early tomorrow and stay - why am I writing stay? Wanted to write start. Mr. Freud would be laughing at the moment :) Start studying.

Listening to Muse, and having flutterbys in my tummy, because I have really strong memories for this music, especially for the Sing for absolution.


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"Youre not on high school, youre in hell, and it will get worse!"

Words of my anathomy teacher sound in my ears last week every single second.

I am really in hell. And imagination that it will get worse doesnt help me lol.

I am tired, still living on the floor and boxes, as the flat we are supposed to move in is still not finnished. Fucking bastards i really need some peace to study. Its hard even to find some clean panties in the fucking mess i am living now.


Our first test passed one person from 22. Really funny. I am curious how I am gonna make it.

"Its impossible to make it, but you must" say our older schoolmates. Theyre right... Its impossible, but we just must, otherwise we quit.

Drinking my first coffee and will study whole night I guess. Dont have enough time and dont have enough energy.

I have to get another subletter to the other room, so every day someone is coming to see the flat, which looks really ugly at the moment.

Made a list what I will have to buy. Out of a bargain... at least i have some cuttlery. I wont even have a fucking fridge... Hope the landlady will put there some. She is pissing me off anyway, she promised "fully equipped kitchen" and only things which are there is a sink, two drawes, two shelves and oven. No splashboard, no fridge, no freezer, nothing. Working desk is also not included. What the fuck is she thinking. I cant afford to pay for all of it and the rent is really high so I am sure she has money to put there something more!

If I didnt come and ask her if she is gonna put there some lights, she went to buy them the same day. I am wondering, if she would put it in there without my request, or just let us live in the dark and without electricity.

I wish it all was over really and I was sitting in my new chair and warm and studying in quiet and tidyness.

I want to have my clothes in wardrobe finally!!!

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This is the way how I imagine "hard-core beginning of the school year"

Omg. Three letters explaining practicly everything lol.

School started. On tuesday we write first anathomy test. I am scared like shit... Studying every day but I have no idea how I am gonna make it. About 200 new latin words, most of them sound very similar to each other.

Then about the flat thing. We were supposed to move out till 1st of october. Its 3rd and we are living still in the same flat but now with another subletters, who will have this flat after us. So, 4 girls and practicly 5 people living here. Its quite big apartment but really not so big so we can all fit. "Our" flat was under reconstruction and is still not finnished. On 30th I got through a mild nervous break down when I figured out that in the flat there is no toilet, no shower, no floors, no lights, no electricity... Simply nothing.

The new flat mates - neighbours soon - are two slovenian girls. They are really very nice so far. I have really good luck with friends :)

And we were supposed to move in next day. Asked the workmen and they said "Oh dont think youll move in soon... Its gonna be in 2 weeks!"

I thought I will die at that moment.

Then they said it will be ready on Monday but really, I cant see it.... Floor in the kitchen is not there at all and you are not allowed to walk on it at least for 24 hours when its done.....

I wish all this is over.

I just must pass the test!! Or i quit :(

And to make this post a wee bit more possitive. Bought two absolutely great IKEA writing tables for 800 (about 30€), got 2 chairs for free, cuttlery, cups, curtains, shelves, kettles, pots.
Everything for free from my best friends. Thank you all! X
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Unsent letters

Am i weirdo or do u do it as well?

I write a letter... to anyone. But dont send it. I dont know why do i write it then? To sort out my thoughts? There are sooo many things I want to say and ask. I have just written one letter but as soon as I finnished it, I decided not to send it. Or give it, whatver...

Maybe I could post it here and who knows, maybe the person will come across my blog and read it. But maybe not.

I do it with blog posts too. I write a post and then dont post it. Considering not posting even this one.

Shall I or shall I not?
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Tomorrow. Its really tomorrow!

Am leaving on a jet plane and as soon as I will arrive, I will be held like she never lets me go ;)

Packing my stuff and have really big problem with really small bag. You are allowed only one baggage on board, and I cant afford to check-in normal bag, so I am reducing and reducing and I guess I will have to wash my panties every three days cause I am not taking more than 3 of them lol

Pissed off because Ive lost my cam's lense protector and now I am worried to take my cam with, I would be very unhappy if I scratched it by the mistake. Will ask my flat mate to lend me hers, but she would miss her lovely camera too much lol.

Will have 4 hours stop in Liverpool. Am looking forward to have a wee touristy thing, taking pictures etc. I am weirdo, I love taking pictures even when I am in my home city.

Hopefully I will be able to buy a new camera, I have an itch for lumix FZ-18 or FZ-28. My friend works in Panasonic and if she wanted to buy it, she has some sales, so I could abuse her a little ;)

Bye and have a nice time while I am away :)
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Samarabalouf

Was just listening some music on shuffle mode and suddenly something incredibly catchy, interesting, nice, cute, playful, happy, rhythmic and just GREAT started to play.

Didn't hear that before (i am wondering where I got it), opened player and there was Samarabalouf, with album Bababa, playing amazing acoustic guitar. Jazzy and swingy rhythm really got my hips going.

Its just absolutely super and I will share this bit of my today's joy :)

I am sorry for quality. Its crap. Havent found better. Enjoy, hope youll like it :)

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Everybody deserves to be mad. Pure egoism.

I am stuffed with the "normality" all around. I can hear everywhere "you are NOT NORMAL!!!", this is not normal, that is not normal, what is normal then?

I am lesbian. And I think it is normal as far as I am happy and do not hurt anyone. I still cant walk on the street holding my girls hand, because she doesnt want to be in the centre of attention and entertainment for others. And its true. But really, who doesnt see us? Even when we are not holding hands. The way how we look at each other... Only dumbass cant see.


Why is green and blue combination of clothes so out? Once I had green trousers and blue vest top. And some old guy noted "green and blue good for mad heads!". But honestly, you can see the combination of green and blue everywhere. Trees are green and the sky is blue and when the sun is shining its soo beautiful!

I love new things. I love new crayons, new papers, sharpened pencils, i love to pronounce "r" and "sh". I love licking ice cubes. I love hot bath (but that is normal, right?). I love to sing loudly how the song goes. Some people say I should rather shut up cause my singing is terrible. But i doubt they ever tried it. Good singing is imho not about good voice, but good heart and emotions.

I love cleaning. Hate tidying, but love cleaning. I love when white things are white without any trace of dirt. I love ironing. Love how all the wrinkles disappear. I love when my legs are perfectly shaved. I love play with my hair. I love to say FUCK! I love to say I love you. And I love to hear it as well.

I love order in my computer folders. I love to watch sunset and dream. I love being tickled on my back. I love receiving post, the real, hand-written post. Also I love to write it :)

I love my ballpoints. I love fixing things. And not just things. I love fixing everything. Broken hearts and broken legs.... Broken people. And I am good at it :)

Enough of love.

I hate addictive things. I am addicted to communication with people and I know it. But its hardly treatable. I hate drugs, hate beer and hate hangovers. I hate being lost and bitten by mosquitos.

I hate overcrowded buses and trams and every public transport stuff. I hate migrenes!!! I hate boking and insecurity, suspense. I hate dirty keyboard.

I hate long nails.
Hate lies.
Hate flies.
Hate public toilets.
Hate when dont know where my documents are.
Hate when I am afraid.
Hate being lonely but not alone. Unfortunately those two things are usually coming together...
Hate when I am jealous. And I am. A lot. And I know it and try to fight against it.
Hate being naive. And I am. A lot. But dont try to beat it cause being naive is soo much easier...

And finally, I love writing pure egoistic posts which noone reads. But it helps :)

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I'm dancing as fast as I can

Just finnished reading this great book written by Barbara Gordon. I managed to read it during 3 days - its really very readable and exciting story.

It made me really disheartened and nervous as well. I was devouring the story gulp after gulp and couldnt believe what is happening. As is the way when you read psycho story like this, you can feel it by yourself... Or is it just me who really goes through every situation, every sorrow and every joy with the main characters?

I highly recommend to read this shocking story. About people, who are not all right. About people, who love, who live and try to survive in this mad world. About people who lost and found themselves...

Zeptal jsem se ostatních,
žen i mužů,
co to dělají s takovou jistotou
a jak se tak naučili žít;

oni mi vlastně neodpověděli,
prostě dál tančili a žili dál...
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Distance relationships

Since when I am... like... "relational active", I havent had "normal" relationship. All my love affairs were distance... First it was Cyprus (well, that was far), then it was another city (from my country though), but about 2,5 hours by bus far away, and now it's Ireland.


After the Cyprus experience and going every friday by bus standing (because it was usually overcrowded), I decided not to have any distance relationship again ever. I want just go a couple of stations by subway or tram and done. But fate obviously does want me to travel a lot.

It has a few advantages, eg. you get to know soo many places and many new people, many new airports and cultures...

But on the other hand, its heart breaking to say goodbye, fall asleep alone after getting used to be cuddled every night. Be dependent on skype, MSN or other communication programs and utilities, excluded phone because that is soooo filthy expensive (my god I dont want to see my phone bill honestly...)

Anyway how we czechies say - "love even mountains carries over" (literally translated... am not sure what is the right english idiom). And believe me or not it worth for me to wait....
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Oh my god

I am so in love. And I want to shout it from the rooftops so everyone knows how much i love my girl. I dont care what anyone thinks...

We are together exactly 7 months and 6 days. And I am still sooooo cheesy its disgusting, but I love it :D and happily she loves it too.
We say each other every day at least once we love each other... We love to fall asleep so tight we can feel each others heart beat. I love to play with her hair. I love to rub her on her tummy. I love to nibble her nose. I love to give her thousands little kisses all over her.

I can really see us in our future, with nice house, dogs, children. I know, I am naive. Who knows how the future will be. But I really wish I will still fall asleep with her, looking forward to see her after work and wake up beside her.

And finally, I love to fuck her.
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The Flyness

A short story written by Kira Crow © (or here; not English sites)
translated by Snoodle ©
and corrected by Wagerwitch © (thank you a lot!)

Can you hear the laugh?

Wafting through the market and enlacing by sweet scent as a snake, accompany the jingle of bells and nickels... So bright and clear that the surrounding bustle and people’s milling around seems to be just simple coulisse.

You like it? I see you raising your head and your glazed eyes sparkling with just a tiny touch of interest left. Can you understand yet?

It’s a laugh of group of children romping around the stalls belonging to their parents. They are offsprings of nomads. Wild human young ones.

Even you are the young one – torn from your mother’s arms, who gave her blood for your protection. Now you are their prisoner, stupid toy and an attraction for money... But you are so small you can’t understand.

No, I am not crying, just dust in my eyes that makes my tears.

The group of children runs around the market and have fun by the old game, but I know it won’t last for long and they will come here, eventually to you.

„Hey, uncle, show us the monster! “They yell and the face of the disgusting fat old geezer screwed up with a cheeky smile. „Oh you little scoundrels, I will show you the ugliest monster who has been torturing our nation, who used to hunt us on our journeys and has been steeling exactly little brats like you! “

The old stupid superstition has been told in gypsy camps for years. Who knows its origin? But I know it’s only poisoned slander, which only human have dared to spit into dragon’s face.

„But you do have money don’t you? “And nippers start to please, urge, implore, and threaten. „I will tell my dad! “ „We will tell on you to the old witch and your tooth ache won’t help you anymore“ At the end they resign and draw a couple of copper coins from their dirty pockets. The old man graciously leads them into the tent, to your cage.

Don’t jerk so much, I know it hurts. The hits by sharpened stones and pokes have made, in your still soft and weak skin, terrible scars which won’t heal. Your scales are dying out or becoming overgrown in the wrong direction, your little paws with small claws filed off so you can’t even walk. I am trying, Gods know, trying so hard to delude your pain by herbs and old medicine... But what can I do against the crowd? I can hardly treat you and the cuts start to heal, other spectators will come and hurt you again.

„Monster! Brute!“ scornful laughter full of malevolence, purple gloss of hate and sadism in all eyes around, even people who you can call decent and polite in normal life, here in Panopticum lose their barriers.

I know this is different laugh. Its full of joy and children’s carefreeness, but the moment it comes closer to you, it changes into laugh that brings pain.

Dont be scared, I didnt mean to terrify you. I wont let this happen again, little boy.
I cant let you fly to the wilds, you are so disabled you woudlnt survive for more than three days, I cant hide you. You have become destroyed shaking hillock, just a bundle of scars, sores and broken wings. I wish I was there when you were stolen from your mother, when you still had hope...

The strong chain has pressed its rusted pattern into your neck... Slowly loosening it not to hurt you.
I admit, I am crying.

You are so weak you are not defending yourself, when I hold you in my arms, you are just looking at me by your azure sad eyes. I rub you on your little nose for a while without thinking, listening to music from the market. I must be brave.

Taking the leather wee bag from my pocket, the one Ellen gave me long time ago. Ellen, the little druid and great healer. I can remember very well what she was telling me: „Only not much of diseases exist, which the magic can’t fix, Cora. But at the place, where even the magic fails, where the herbs cannot repair the damage... It isn’t a crime to use this. It’s a duty. “

Truthfully the herbs are locally referred to as Blower, but fortunately it doesn’t work the way the name suggest. At least not for the dragons. The water in the kettle is boiling already, I’m putting the little young white rootlets into it and slowly stirring. We still have time.

I want you to know that if I could help you by different way, I wouldn’t wait for a second. I swear to Gods, I will just help you away from the sorrows.

You would be such a beautiful dragon. Slim body, strong paws with dragon’s talons, green and yellow skin encrusted by shiny scales and bloody-red thorns, a tail closed by one strong spike. You would rise your head proudly to the sky and guard the woods, freedom would be your second name. Once you would hear the people’s laugh, you would never recognise the markets music. You wouldn’t experience more suffering than other wild creatures.

A bubbling water disturbs me from my fantasy, the concoction is finished.
Breathing deeply when pouring the medicine into the cornet made from birchen bark, my hands are shaking. You are lying in my lap and uncomprehendingly you follow my acting. If only you knew...

„The sun is gone, the stars are shining.
The Elves and others sadly whining. “

You’re listening to me with interest, I feel your frightened heart-beat calming down.

„Feys and Fairies dancing on meadows.
Welcoming Flyness, healer of sorrows. “

I carefully cut the top of the vial and slowly put it in your little maw. You are swallowing the bitter colourless liquid and listen to the song. You seem so calmed and content...

„Where the dragons fly, when the star of the dragon fades?
Where the fairies dance, when no one’s on the glades?
Everyone knows and wishes them to stay“

One, two hitches in sudden cramp, you closed your eyes and breathed out. At last. No more suffering, no more pain. I don’t care what they will do to me, when they find out!
Pressing the cooling small body and stifling sobs when singing:

„With Flyness the dragon, they pass away“

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Sometimes just one song…

…can perfectly describe the way I feel.

Its not a matter of lyrics, its more the atmosphere. Of course, everyone of us is different and everybody has his own ears. Lots of people think (and honestly me too) that Marilyn Manson is such a freak. But that's why i like him so much. And sometimes he can just hit the head on a nail (or was it hitting the nail on the head?)

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Travelling in time is possible

Everybody believes that travel by time is impossible. (Maybe not for Donnie Darko but that's another story.)

The tourist. Not original video but better than look five minutes at cd cover :)

It was November 2007. I listened to this song over and over again. Isn't it strange feeling when you are going through some period of your life and listen to some music, then have a few years break and listen to the song/album/interpret again?

I love it.

Music has power to give you opportunity to travel in time. It does a lot more than photos to me. I can live again and feel it so strong as nothing else. You have flutter-bys in your tummy, remembering what have you been doing, what were your problems and joys, who were you spending time with, who were your friends…

Who were you.

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"I am proud of you"

Hearing that made my day today. And tomorrow. It actually made my week and whole month.

I wished so much to hear that from my dad. And I heard it. And it made me happy.

Wish I could hear that from my mum too but doubt I will ever hear something nice from her. But life's life right you cant have everything you want to :)
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